That dark place....

I always seem to struggle with what some may call 'completion'. I tend to start things and then invariably stop them dead. I have these manic phases where I am determined to push forward and accept every aspect of the challenge. Then I fall into that dark place. A place where I just cannot seem to function, the only way to describe the feeling is, well.....desolation.

Now I am fully aware how this sounds, oh man he's off again the miserable bastard! Well I am coming to terms with that. I am, it seems, somewhat of a melancholy person and it brings me to a point that I'm still not sure I should elaborated on. However in the spirit of truth I think I will just stop writing this blog.

Determined not to air my dirty laundry in a blog of all things I think it is best that I stop writing. I have really enjoyed this experience and have received some amazingly positive responses. Here is the problem, its all bollocks. I have genuinely meant every word that I have written in these twenty odd entries but I feel that the most important aspects of my purpose have been ignored. If I'm honest, I am the one that has ignored them. When I read back on these blog entries it is as if I am reading someone else's words. I wish that I felt differently about it but I don't.

I will continue to write, probably in the form of a book and when that book surfaces it will not read like this blog. I wish to write with a level of honesty that I am not yet ready to do. I wish to write without the constraints of my own awareness. I want to write and for people to read my 'real' words. I hope to write in such a way that people will read 'me' as well as the drivel that the pen creates. Self-censorship is a curse to the open mind and I certainly do not speak in the manner in which I have written this blog. That is one of the major reasons I have to change my approach.

I realise that this is not award winning literature but anything that is posted online is 'out there' in the world for all to read. And one of my biggest fears is that Kasia may one day read the things I write...then turn to me and say "well that doesn't sound like you".

I am going to try and be 'real' again for my family and for me.....so on that note..fuck all this blogging bollox, thank you and goodnight.

Truth....is it that important?

I try to write about one or two blog entries per week. The problem is that although I always seem to have something to say about pretty much everything, I am struggling with self-censorship. As I think I mentioned previously, I have an amazingly big mouth without much in the way of control attached to it. If I see or experience something I either like or dislike I immediately feel the drive to put my opinion into the fray. I honestly wish that I could hold these impulses back but I fear they are an integral part of my identity.

Nothing in particular has happened this week yet I feel this overwhelming sense of annoyance and in part bitterness. Maybe it is 'because' we are leaving soon or maybe it is in some way pushing me to 'enjoy' leaving. I have never had an easy time finding friends here in America (let alone Texas!) and I really think that may be rooted in my expectations. I always seem to need the people around me to at least have a similar sense of humour or admiration for varying types of entertainment, alas here I have very, very few comrades. Even when a group forms and stories are told, mine always seem to be a little 'different' than the rest.

There are many things I would like to write about but most of which I will refrain. I wish I could write about my Stag day in the run up to my wedding. I wish I could talk about my teenage years and the wayward direction I was aiming in but I won't. Not here. Some of the stories I think are kinda funny, some are crazy and some are...well...boring.

I know I always move onto the raising of Kasia and this blog is no different. I'm not sure whether or not to tell her of my adolescence in a completely honest way. I mean, I want to but there are things I have done that I try not to admit to myself let alone anyone else and especially not my child to whom I am a major role model. I fear that when she reaches an age of understanding she may throw my experiences back at me as some kind of justification for bad behaviour. Again, who knows? Maybe I should write with %100 percent honesty with no regards to future plans, or just maybe I should let the past stay there and just pick out the bits that won't upset anybody.

It just occurred to me that the semblance of fear is something which has never stopped me before and perhaps the fear of honesty is the worst fear of all. Without an honest perspective we grow into fractured people, people who put on the mask of acceptance without ever once striving for truth. We are not born broken and I for one believe that without honesty, we will never learn from each other. Without honesty we will never piece togther our own crippled lives and without honesty how can we ever expect anyone to trust us...especially our kids.

Cross into the Blue......

OK, so it has finally happened! It has taken almost an entire year but as of Wednesday May 5th 2010, my wife Hilery Mulholland, is now a First Lieutenant in the United States Air Force. It's a little crazy I guess but I could not be more proud of her. She is the kind of person that is in constant need of a challenge. Whether that challenge is academic, career based or physical, Hilery just loves to push herself above and beyond what most can/will do.

This whole thing started years ago in point of fact. Hil was interested in the opportunities that the USAF could provide in terms of career progression and travel. Things happened and life just kept cruising along but we have recently found ourselves as a family in need of something new. That something is the military. Initially I was going to go into the Army but without much deliberation I have been deemed ineligible due to medical conditions (PA). I suppose that fate stepped in because as a soldier of low rank I would have been gone overseas 80% of the time and earning next to nothing in wages. For Hilery it is an entirely different ball game. Although she may/will be deployed, the deployment averages around four months (Army is fifteen!) and the lifestyle in the USAF is very, very comfortable.

I wish I could find a way to explain why this is a good move for us, but I just don't have the words. The military is not for everybody, and Hil isn't doing it to be a hero! She desperately doesn't want to leave us for huge chunks of time but it is the nature of the job and we hope that the benefits out way that sacrifice.

Hilery will go to COT (Commissioned Officer Training) in Montgomery Alabama for 32 days starting June 28th. So unfortunately I will be on my lonesome! Hopefully my parents will be visiting for some of the time but if anyone wants to drop by and help out...the door is open! After the month of training we will report to Hilery's first duty station, it is Peterson AFB in Colorado Springs, Colorado. We will be stationed there for approximately three years and then who knows? I can only hope that the move to CO will attract some visitors for the ski season.....fingers crossed.

Many people have put forward a less than chirpy response to Hil having to go away for large periods of time and I understand, I really do. But what people seem to forget is that there are many jobs in the civilian world when working away from home is a necessity. Yet no one sheds as much negativity as when it is due to the military. As I said, it is understandable but we currently live in a secluded bubble with no family and very few friends...we hope the USAF will become our new family and we look forward to crossing into the blue! (man that was cheesy, but I liked it!)

I wanna...must hava!

Thats what my Dad calls me. I wish I could say that it doesn't bother me but I guess it does because it has followed me all the way into adulthood. The funniest part is that I've never had luxuries, well I mean no 'real' luxuries. I understand that what constitutes luxuries to one person doesn't necessarily to another, but as a general rule...I wouldn't say I have been over indulgent in regards to material things.

The reason I'm talking about this is because Kasia seems to be very good at going to the store and not whining about not having something bought for her. I'm not entirely sure on how long this will last but for now its great. The thing is, she doesn't even seem to have much affection for her toys. She has never really had a favourite teddy or anything and she just doesn't seem to care about 'her' things. She does however get very passionate over her clothing, man I'm in trouble!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wonder if we have a materialistic mentality from birth, is it innate? Or do we foster our own view of materialism over a life of have or have not. Do I crave certain things because I never had them as a child or do I simply want them for the sake of wanting them. I'm curious as to how Kasia will turn out, Hilery is very non-materialistic and focuses on experiences as apposed to a collection of objects, plus she also holds academic education as a priority. I on the other hand am forever complaining that I want this or that, and as much as I respect education I wouldn't say I'm comfortable with holding it in such high esteem. So because Kasia has two alternate viewpoints from her parents will she be a blend or sway one way instead of another? It will definitely be interesting to find out and maybe (hopefully) she will be able to teach me a thing or two.

I have been told (many times) that I have a chip on my shoulder because I come from a working class background. As much as I hate the stigma, I think I do have a chip on my shoulder but not in the way most would think. My Dad was born and raised in council funded accommodation (the projects for the Americans!) but through an amazing amount of hard work and sacrifice I was raised outside of that environment. There is however just one catch. Could we really afford to live in the suburban environment? Probably not, and when I say 'afford' I mean all that comes with keeping up with all that was expected of that lifestyle. My parents took me on foreign holidays, we had cars and we always had plenty of food on the table. But at what cost? I see my life and I want to give Kasia opportunities I never had but I want her to appreciate those things! I guess I'm just scared that without being deprived in some way we may never appreciate that moment when/if we finally 'make it'.

As with everything in life I suppose I will find out soon enough. Maybe I will surprise myself and stop wanting. Will I cease to be an 'I wanna..must hava'? Probably not.......but at least I can try.

I thought that I may actually catch on fire.....

Today has been a good day. I'm a fan of these days, you know when you have a plan and you stick to it and all seems good with the world. The most amazing thing about today was that I went to church....but still had a good day!

Allow me to explain. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not a church goer. I choose not to attend church because, frankly, I am not a Christian. Now, in the part of the world that I live that makes me an 'Atheist' but I'm not an Atheist....I'm just happen to not be a Christian (and no other religion for that matter). I went to a church today because a writer who I enjoy immensely was speaking at a friends church. The writers name is Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz (and six other good books), and he was giving a talk/speech as part of his book tour. If you haven't read his books, he is a guy who struggles with organised anything let alone religion. His narrative is free flowing and very deep, he memoirs his thoughts and opinions beautifully and I enjoy reading them, even though sometimes I don't hold those same views.

He is an interesting man because he grew up without a father. Not an isolated case I realise but he articulates his feelings towards parenthood and more specifically the role of the father in a way that everybody should hear. He is asked many times if he had the choice would he choose to have a Dad, he says that he finds it hard to say yes. He says this because living the way he has, has allowed him to become who he is, if he changed anything he would inadvertently change his current self. He has realized that growing up without a father has opened his eyes to the plight of so many young kids out there who have a need for a positive male role model.

He now runs The Mentoring Project. A program designed to help kids without this male role model, it is based on the Big Brother Big Sister idea but there is room for more than one program of that sort and he aims to fill that void. Now, where Donald Miller and I differ is with the issue of faith. Its a confusing subject for me and one that I have no intentions of going into in this blog. But I'm talking about this because I was trying to imagine what life Kasia would have without me. I know that there are millions of good kids working towards a positive life that have little in the way of fatherly protection and guidance but how important are us Dads?

When I got home today I had every intention of writing a scathing piece about the church that I went to. The thing is I don't really want to, I don't want to offend my friend who regularly attends and I just don't want to ramble on about the cynicism I hold so close to my heart. But I will say this, it was my first experience of a 'mega-church'. Now for those of you that are not American, these things are crazy! Back in England we have no such institutions...I mean we have Cathedrals and beautiful architecture but the churches over here are of another world. I walked into the building to see and indoor play arena for the kids, a coffee shop (yes, they charge money for snacks and coffee!) and all around me people filtered into an auditorium. The thing was, that room that held about 500 people was just one of many 'rooms', the one I was going to go into was for kids! And not all kids, just the K-5th grade ones. The daycare center was the nicest I have ever seen anywhere....not only a church...better than a bloody theme park! Anyway, after asking directions (yep, directions) my friend and I (another friend who does not attend this church) made our way to a different building to see the service....this place was huge! It was its own building that held thousands, I was absolutely shocked and amazed.

I also realise that this wasn't a particularly big 'mega-church', there are some that have 80,000 plus in attendance every Sunday! But for me it was just another example of why I am not a Christian in the modern sense. I cannot align myself with such blatant consumerist religion. I will say though, each to there own, and the work that the establishment does in the community and in numerous charities is commendable but it is clearly not for me. Even as nice as the daycare seems to be, I just cannot see me taking Kasia to a church of that size and lets be honest...its just a miracle I didn't burst into flames on the spot.....

Being a Dad is something which for me changes everyday. After listening to Mr Miller today, I sort of realise that us Dads have a responsibility to be the child's mentor. Not just an ATM or a disciplinarian, but someone who they can look to for guidance and just a shoulder to cry on...maybe even as a scapegoat for misplaced aggression. All these things that Dads can be, its just a shame that so many 'men' choose to neglect these responsibilities. I hope that I can help Kasia to become who she wants to be and not force her to adhere to some preconceived ideals that I may hold. I want to walk with her every step until one day shes ready to run all on her own.

Patriotism....a dirty word????

Is it possible? Is it wrong to be proud of ones heritage and to adorn a building with the national flag, is this somehow a sign of racial intimidation....is it possible?

Well I guess it is. I left my country of birth about six years ago to start a new life with my American wife. At no point did I cease to be English, nor did I wish to forget where I was born and raised. Yet, I feel now that I am more patriotic to my homeland than ever before. Why? Simple, I live in a country where being proud of your nation and displaying that pride in bold and illustrious ways is an everyday occurrence. Whether it be fighter jet fly overs or just wearing a depiction of the stars and stripes, Americans are very, very patriotic on the whole. But the English are discouraged from such displays. Even our national flag, the St Georges Cross, is apparently a symbol of racial hatred. We, as a nation, do not even have our national day as a holiday.

Today this is important as it is St Georges Day. A day which was, until the 18th century, a day of feasting and general national celebration. It is argued that after the inclusion of Scotland and the overall 'creation' of the United Kingdom, interest in the national day wained. But today we have no 'official' celebration, no feasting and not even much waving of flags. All that my memory suggests is that children are told the story of George and the Dragon.

Its a little odd for me living in the US, mainly because most people are interested in where I come from and I guess in time Kasia will have to explain how and why she is half English. I want to always tell Kasia of her heritage in a positive way but it can be hard when the people of Britain are expected to accept 'new' cultures to the island but at the same time show little in the way of national pride. What am I to tell Kasia when we go to England and we are not allowed to wear England football shirts in pubs? How do I explain that the St Georges Cross is our flag but you will rarely see it displayed?

This subject reminds me of one of my favourite/hated conversations here in America. Having to try and explain the difference between: Great Britain, England, The United Kingdom, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. Its a confusing and somewhat entertaining discussion but it allows me to reiterate in my own mind what is so special about home.

Maybe Kasia won't be interested in her inherited culture, maybe she will or maybe she will be as confused by us (British people) as most Americans seem to be. We share a language but our cultures are vastly different...just look at the way we treat national pride! It's a funny old game.....

Everything Dies....

Morbid, depressing, melancholic, sad, bleak, dispiriting.....

All descriptions of the music produced by the monstrous band that was/is Type O Negative. The singer of this band, Peter Steele, died April 14th of this year, he was 48 years old. Now the reason I'm mentioning it (aside from the fact that I have listened to his music for the better part of my life) is because I have been asked recently whether or not I would 'allow' Kasia to listen to 'heavy metal'. My answer, of course, is yes I will 'allow' her to. However upon reflection what I should say is that it is her choice what she listens to and the idea of allowance is irrelevant. I understand that as parents we must keep an eye on what our children are exposed to but I truly believe in the organic growth of a child. In teaching them how to respond to art we are only forcing their hand. I think it is so important to encourage an appreciation for all facets of humanity, not just the positive aspects.

Heavy metal has a notorious reputation for negativity. But in reality it is simply an art form that discusses the darker side of life. It does not negate the positive, it just highlights the 'unspoken' human emotions. Its not the only art form that is focussed on the macabre. Most, if not all, religious art is centered around tragedy. I think its something that we are all interested in, just think about watching the news! In regards to raising kids though it gets a little complicated for me. I would love for Kasia to share my appreciation for certain art forms but I know that she will undoubtably rebel against whatever it is that I like! She has to, its just part of growing up but I hope that she will understand my near obsession with 'dark' music and art.

Kasia already displays her distinct personality and as challenging as it can be, I love it. Driving home the other day from the store we had no music on in the car. Hil and I were just chatting when from the back this little voice said "guitar....drums?" she wanted to listen to her favourite band...Down! I was so proud, my little two year old wanted to listen to some rock and roll.

With the passing of another of my rock idols I am starting to appreciate my new lifestyle even more. Peter Steele was a habitual drug and alcohol abuser and in the last six months or so had really started to clean up his life. Unfortunately it was too late, his life choices had caught up with his evident mortality. I can only hope that he enjoyed his habitual past times but I fear, in the end, he was regretting them. Maybe these stories of excess and eventual demise will be a grave lesson to us all and of course to the newest generation.....moderation my friends, everything in moderation!

I learnt a new word....bidialectalism!

It's a crazy word and one which I have come across in the last month or so. Bidialectalism means that one uses and understands two dialects within the same language, the argument here is whether or not American English and English are in fact the same language.

From my experience these two 'languages' are very different. It's not only in the words used but the inflection of pronunciation and even the syntax seems to follow a different pattern. I'm jabbering on about this because over the last five years or so I have become bidialectal and it seems that Kasia is already able to change the words she uses depending on the situation. For example, in English we use the word 'Nappy' to describe the material positioned to catch the pee and/or poo. In American English the word used is 'Diaper'. Now this seems like a relatively simple distinction to us adults but I will tell you now that English people (because of American media) have a much better understanding of American words than the Americans do of English words or turns of phrase. However my point is that Kasia knows when to used these two completely different words. At her Mothers Day Out (play school) group on a Friday morning she uses the word 'Diaper' to ask for it to be changed but when she comes home, she instantly changes and uses the word 'Nappy'....pretty good for a two year old I think.

It's almost common knowledge that children pick up second languages very quickly compared to adults or even teenagers but I'm not sure we realise how well kids can distinguish between dialects as well. The nappy example is one of many that Kasia can now use, she even changes nursery rhymes whilst speaking to her Grandparents on Skype. She seems to understand that in order to be understood she has to use a code that her audience will be able to understand.

A mere sideline to this idea of English/American language is English/American relations. I'm not sure why it is so apparent but the divide is a really interesting one. I liken it to somebody having a younger brother. The older sibling (England) is a little envious of the younger (America) because the younger one seems to have all the best stuff! Every time I read the comments on English news sites about events here in the US the public views are always things like: 'Typical arrogant Americans' or 'Well, thats to be expected of those fat yanks', a constant stream of petty jibes directed at the American culture. Now I am proud to be English and I will definitely raise Kasia to be aware of her inherited culture but if I had to pick somewhere for us to live I would choose the US any day! It has problems, it has issues but ultimately there is more opportunity here.

Writing this blog sometimes makes me feel like a prize prat, but it definitely helps me categorize and identify with the people and the things around me. I hope that everyone is able to take the time to analyze their own life story and make the next chapter one that they themselves would be interested to read.

My first Half Marathon...done!

About four years ago I spoke to a work colleague about the fact that I wanted to take part in a 5K race. That colleague has become one of my closest friends and someone who is equal parts talented as he is crazy! I was saying this to him because he was/is an endurance athlete who excels in running, cycling, mountaineering, skeleton (yep sliding down ice), rugby...this list goes on an on. He was always planning amazing trips with his brother and I basically wanted to do my small version of physical experimentation. Well, the years passed and I still hadn't done the 5K. I was too fat, too 'busy' and frankly too lazy.

With my new found lease on life and with a drive to be a positive role model for Kasia I eventually did the 5K race. It was a lot of fun, ironically, but it was just a taste of what I have now found my self experiencing. Today I completed my first Half Marathon. I ran a distance of 13.1 miles in about 2 hours and 14 mins. This I did with my friend at my side. I don't think he was planning to have a behemoth in his wake but I tagged along and ran with him and his brother-in-law. The guys graciously allowed me to run the whole distance with them and it was just a fantastic experience. Each time I felt the urge to stop, there they were, pounding that road and making me find another gear.

Needless to say I am pretty darn proud of myself. Even though my legs have officially ceased to be a part of my body for the next couple of days, it was all worth it. My friend pushes me to push myself. He regularly climbs mountains, rides crazy distances on a bike and takes part in Ultra Marathons but he still has the time to help out a guy on his first steps to an unknown destination.

I'm blessed really because right now, Hilery is on another charge. Not only did she recently win her age group division at the Fort Worth 5K, she has a new found passion for Triathlons. She will compete in another one soon and she is just an absolute monster! A mum, a nurse, an athlete....so many things and she gets little in the way of thanks. I wish I could complement her achievements in a more elaborate way, but currently helping to raise our little munchkin is all I can offer.

We are trying to provide Kasia with a success rich environment, without ignoring the need for failure. I say 'need' because we must all fail in order to triumph over it. Failure makes us better people and ultimately better parents. It is all in the manner in which we succeed or fail which defines us. I keep trying things and let me tell you...its really hard sometimes. But I remember how lucky I am in a million different ways.

Next stop is maybe another Half Marathon but ultimately a full 26.2 mile Marathon. I will be entering the ballot for the 2011 London Marathon and I hope I can get a place. If I can I hope that my friends and family with be willing to shout encouragement (or abuse I don't care!) along the way. Lets hope it all works out.

Run Forrest Run....

I never understood the need that many people on this planet hold. The need to run. I hate running, well I guess thats not entirely true, I dislike running. I can understand the need for humans to run, for example to get food or perhaps to evade and enemy but to run for fun......no surely not.

This has changed as of late due to my new found interest, physical endurance. We are all created equal yet different in my opinion. To illustrate this forgive my swift analogy: my friend Greg bravely and speedily chases down a gazelle, he chases it for ten hours until the beast collapses from exhaustion. At this point he kills it and then comes my job. Due to my physicality, I must drag this stinking rotting carcass back to the village. We both have our roles to play using our own stature to complete the task as best we can.

I realise at this point that this is a crap analogy but my point is, we are not all designed to run marathons or compete in the Olympics. However we are all born with an ability to push ourselves beyond what we once may have thought impossible. For this reason I am going to attempt to run a marathon.

This challenge will begin in a week or so when I compete in a Half Marathon and use it as a training aid for the full in a few months. The training for this has been steady and in many ways enjoyable. I even completed a ten mile run this pass week in preparation for the race. At this point I will feebly attempt to align this with my SAHD theme. I really see all this physical training as positive role modelling for Kasia. She seems to really get a kick out of when Mummy and Daddy go for a run (albeit at different times). She helps us get ready, she even pretends to stretch sometimes, it is amazingly cute and fulfilling to watch.

I wish that Kasia was already old enough to take part in these events with me but I will not wish my life away anymore. I have pledged to live my life in chapters and this next one might just be the 'hardest' yet. But as Don Miller says, 'the point is not necessarily to win at the end of the story, just have the strength to make it through.'

If pain is weakness leaving the body then I should be empty by now...

Its been about three years now and I suppose in those three years I have only just begun to accept that physicality, in every sense, is an inconvenience. Since my earliest memories I have 'struggled' with my weight and body image. I'm not sure if in the early years I fully understood what it meant to be classed by physical size but I'm damn sure that I always felt a little different.

I was always the 'big' kid and that slowly gave way to being the 'fat' kid. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't picked on in the traditional sense. Mainly because I was bigger that most, if not all, the other kids. But I was always aware that I was somehow different. I distinctly remember the days in science class when us students would be forced to 'weigh-in' to gauge the class average weight. That was a fun day.

For sure I'm not going to write this with my heart bleeding onto the page but I will apply my experiences growing up to how I parent Kasia, I have to! Its all I have....

I cannot allow Kasia to experience the teasing. I will not allow her to go through the unnecessary taunting. I should not allow her to get to that point in the first place. How will I stop this? Well frankly, by being a good role model. I can't sit around eating chips and drinking beer all day (as much as I want to), I instead must show her what life can be like and simply hope and pray that if I don't show her the alternative (at least not from Hilery or I) I may then be able to prevent the teenage contamination from ever happening.

I have currently lost about 80 lbs (just over 6 stone)in weight but more than that I have been able to change the course of my life, and I hope Kasias.There has, however, been a slight glitch in my master plan. Three years ago I began to suffer some joint pain. Now the fact that I was regularly doing Judo and was carrying around almost 330 lbs was enough to convince me that that was all it was, being too fat. Until I went to my Dermatologist, I went for a routine skin analysis thing (as I have always suffered from mild Psoriasis) but during this meeting I mentioned the pain. From this appointment things changed a tad.

Over this past year I have been referred to a Rheumatologist because I have a condition called Psoriatic Arthropathy which is basically a form of Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is an autoimmune disease which characterizes itself in the form of joint and muscle pain. Fun huh? Well the reason I bring it up is two-fold: one reason is that I really, sincerely hope that Kasia has not inherited this condition (as it is genetic) and the second reason is that just because these diseases plague our lives it is in no way a reason not to change for the better, both physically and mentally.

I have a condition that in extreme cases can leave you in a wheelchair, it's a condition that is relatively unresearched and such, has little treatment available. I am resigned to the fact that I must self inject twice a week and take a series of other pills to dampen or subdue the symptoms. It makes being a SAHD a little tougher but there are so many people out there struggling in such a grave fashion that it really only makes me appreciate what I have all the more. But it did make me see how important our controllable health factors are. By 'controllable' I mean; the food we eat, the intentional exercise we do and the malevolence we abstain from. Being fat is no good. I know thats not very 'PC' but its plainly obvious. Almost all obseity related illness is preventable, its not a life sentence but I think we, as society, are treating as such.

Our kids need us as parents, they don't need us as friends or as teachers, those roles are only part of being a Mum or Dad. I think we need to remember why we had kids, it definitely wasn't to simplify our lives. It was hopefully through love and a need to pass that love on through our kids. I have been asked by friends of mine, 'why have kids?', 'the world is a cesspit and full of cretins!' Well, I love my friends, I love my family so if no one had kids, there would be no more people to love, no more people to hate or even art to enjoy. Those of us that aren't social retards need to have kids to try and maintain some kind of balance on this rock of a planet. And for this reason we must get (or stay) healthy and show the children that fun can be had but not at the expense of our health.

I guess this entry was a pretty major blabbering about a bunch of things, but whether or not anyone is reading it....I sure am having fun writing it.

If you don't like the weather in Texas...wait 5 mins, it'll change!

I've heard that phrase in a few places that we've lived, 'if you don't like the weather...wait 5 mins and it will change'. Well this week sure was one of those, and as far as SAHD duties, it really messes up the 'what toddler must wear' dilemma.

One day its sunny and warm, short sleeves, sweat on brow, then the next there is a dusting of snow on the ground. Only to be followed up the next day with more sun and in fact sunburn! Not nice, but at least it was on me and not Kasia.

I have taken this new weather to get a break from the rigors of parenting and head out on the trails for some mountain bike riding. I did around 24 miles today and it really gave me some time to process and think. I don't think that I have really taken the time to appreciate the experience of raising a child. Amongst all the crying and the tantrems there is a whole heap of time that you are just hanging out with a really cool little person. Kasia is really starting to put her 'personality' into gear. She is still the same challenging tike but she is complementing that with moments of comic genius. I wish I could list some of her funnier moments but as with all kids you really have to see it or hear it to appreciate the timing!

Anyway no big news right now, just lots of mental gymnastics in regards to our future plans. Its really nice though to be happy(ish) where you are and just spend time planning the next adventure. I always say to Hilery that I really want to add to my imaginary autobiography. I think of my life in terms of chapters and I just really want to concentrate on making the next one a good and worthwhile read. Each of us should at least strive to move forward, that doesn't have to be some huge dramatic change but we could all use a dose of reality due to the fact that most of us have become way to comfortable in life. I see it everywhere I go: must stay in this house because it has great schools, must not change job I hate because it pays well, must not devote my life to anything more because I might fail.

I have to move on and make myself better. Kasia is showing me this in the most innocent of ways. Whatever I do she copies, whatever I say she repeats (not always a good thing) and wherever I go she goes....I have to make it worthwhile for her sake, if not mine own.

The grass is never greener...well maybe it is!

These four walls feel like a prison sometimes...no matter how many playgrounds you go to, no matter how many times you go to the zoo, no matter how many story times you attend, these four walls seem to get taller and taller.

I was talking to Hil this morning about how she has to remember that no matter how horrible her job can be it could be worse...she could be stuck at home. Then in the next moment I thought to myself, no matter how bad being stuck at home can be...it could be worse, I could have to go to work!

I'm trying to be a more positive person. I was reading an article the other day on how 'easy' it is to be cynical. Seeing only the negative is a really quick way to protect oneself from mistakes. If you trust in actions or ideals you could be wrong! It could end up that you tried and failed....well guess what, its OK to fail. I knew this before (obviously) but never really believed it. Experiencing Kasias first years has shown me that the start she gets will significantly impact her view on the world, will she succeed in life? Who knows? But I want to give her a positive outlook, something I have been lacking for many years.

I am even trying to put this new positive attitude towards some personal pet peeves that I have. I happen to have a well documented hatred of people chewing food with their mouths open. Now, I am acutely aware of the fact that this is rude and socially unpleasant for most people but my reaction to it is WAY off! I would quite literally stab someone for doing it! I despise the sound it makes and really everything about it makes me want to puke. Having said this, I am trying to be better. I put this new found acceptance down to being a parent. All kids seem to have the uncanny ability to annoy their parents, Kasia is no different. When she drinks she guzzles and guzzles until its gone and then spends the next twenty minutes hiccuping and burping because she drank too fast, this isn't the most annoying part for me. The worse bit is the sippy cup curse! The cups have this high pitched squeal sound that comes out of the lid when the drink is being consumed....this drives me nuts! I literally sweat when shes drinking, I clench my fists and have a full mental break down over this noise. I say this now, but I control it. I just sweat my way through and pray that it passes quickly. Mind you that doesn't excuse adults from learning how to eat and drink....sort it out people!!

OK, rant over. Yet again, a blog entry full of random nothingness. Off to story time soon, yay...another hour of being ignored by over protective mothers. Yippee....

Swings and roundabouts....

As far as bone fide English sayings go, this one ranks pretty high I think. Swings and roundabouts, fate swinging and swaying and diverting the course of what for the longest time seems to be 'the way it is!'

Allow me to explain. For two years now I have been routinely beating myself about the head with an imaginary piece of wood with a stonking great big nail in the end of it. Why? Because I constantly felt like I was doing a piss poor job of being a Dad. Every time I would try and be the parent to Kasia she would basically run straight to Hilery. Can't blame her really, its just at times it was hard to swallow because when it was just Kasia and I together, she had to go to me (she had no choice). When you put so much effort in and get nothing but rejection back it gets hard to push through. Then about 3 or 4 months ago something weird happened.

At this point I want to say to my beautiful wife that I am talking about this purely from a SAHD point of view, with no assumptions as to your role in any of this. What has basically happened is that Kasia has, for lack of a better turn of phrase 'started to punish' Hilery. When the three of us are at home, Kasia constantly nags at her Mum and refuses to let her sit, eat or just be. No sooner is Hilery back at work that Kasia goes back to a more independent (albeit challenging) little girl. I use the term 'punish' because it seems like Kasia wants constant attention from her Mum whilst she is at home as some kind of retaliation to the fact that Hil has to go out to work.

I am certainly not an expert on the subject, and it seems like all these phases run their course in due time but it is hard to watch Hil feel like she is somehow doing it 'wrong' because she couldn't be a better mother or wife if she tried! I look back to my first year with Kasia and I see in Hil the things I saw in myself; the self doubt, the frustration and quite frankly the parental depression that most of us go through.

But as I said at the beginning, its all swings and roundabouts! No sooner has it started then it is finished and I hope thats true in this situation.

Thinking out loud....

I said at the beginning of this blog that I wouldn't use it to spout on about politics or the rights and wrongs of the world and that I would stick to subjects pertaining directly to my life as a SAHD. The problem is that to understand something, we must first dissect it, so this is what I have been doing...kinda.

Now my subject for this dissection wasn't some hapless frog or whining feline (yeah I dissected at cat at college, weird!) it was, or is, the fact that I live in what is universally known as the 'Bible Belt'. Now for those of you that don't already know what the Bible Belt is: its an informal term for an area of the United States in which socially conservative evangelical Protestantism is a dominant part of the culture and Christian church attendance across the denominations is extremely high. Thanks wiki world! Now without better judgement I freely moved to this part of the country without really taking in to account all that this would entail. Of course, in Texas there are some of the nicest people I have ever met, and in fact life here is pretty awesome. The only thing is, I always feel like a fish out of water.

First off, I do not attend church. Second I have lots of tattoos. And third (perhaps the most controversial) I am a Stay-At-Home Dad. The first two of these are probably what make the third all the more difficult to swallow, but there you go. I did, however, think that I had an 'in'. I thought that being a smelly metal head, I would at least blend in with the Confederate Flag waving masses....alas I did not. Because even to the redneck population I am nothing more than a tea sipping, Queen adoring, Limey. This basically puts me in the 'nowhere' category. I can't find my niche, and worst of all, I'm not sure I ever really had one!

This blog entry has basically come from reading a book called: 'When Men Win Glory-the Odyssey of Pat Tillman'. Again, for those of you that don't know, Pat Tillman was a college football star who turned pro and was poised to become one of the best safeties in the NFL. However after the events of Sept 11 2001, he decided to enlist in the Army. But not just any faction of the Army, the Rangers (ever seen Black Hawk Down), an elite special forces unit with a relatively high mortality rate. Well, during his service in Afghanistan, he was shot and killed. This whole situation made worse because a.) he turned down a 3.6 million dollar contract when he enlisted b.) he was famous and his service was always going to be all over the news and finally c.) he was killed by friendly fire. Now the fact that he was killed by fratricide was really crappy but anyone who has served in the military knows that this happens (a lot!), the real vexation with this was that the Army lied about it. They used his death to cover up a lot of crap that was going on at the time. The government needed an American hero, so the Army gave them one.

Having read this book it came to my mind that Pat was an amazing person. His journal excerpts in the book showed how he was a thinker, a social activist and a family man. The problem with him in the eyes of the Army and the US government was the he was basically an Atheist. He believed in the now, he did not subscribe to an ideology based around ancient fables. He wanted to be the best person he could with the life he had, but couldn't accept the control of one omnipotent being. This was an issue after his death. The Army high ranking officers believed that his family were unable to 'handle' his death because in the Tillman's world 'when you die you are just worm dirt', the officer was suggesting that because they did not subscribe to his beliefs that their grief was somehow misplaced, that Pats life was in someway 'empty' because he was not a Christian.

It turns out that Pat had read the Bible, and the Koran, and the Odyssey, and the Iliad, and the Theravada, and Tantras etc etc. So I would not describe Pat as an Atheist. I would describe him as a man, who was Gnostic in his learnings. Why is it that Religions are 100% convinced that they have the 'right answers', why do they label the non-believer and people who question as automatically Atheists without ever engaging in intellectual conversation with them? I for one, don't know.

This is a whole huge, long winded way of saying that I have no idea how we are going to raise Kasia in regards to spiritualism, Hilery is a Christian, I am basically confused! So who knows. What I do know is that the longer I live in this 'Bible Belt' the more I understand world history. I see now why the people of the middle ages deemed a Crusade necessary. I see now why it is easier to live in a world of 'good/bad' instead of the always confusing grey area of understanding. I hope that I can give Kasia the tools to find out for herself what life is about, but more than that I hope that she realizes that having a loving family is a good bloody start...no matter what world view you end up with.

What a manly man!

As for doing manly things; ie. hunting, fishing, mechanics, I do pretty much none of them. This doesn't help my 'Mr Mom' occupational styling! I always want to come across as a man even though I have a distinctly feminine job. Thats why I took on the most manly of chores yesterday. I did some basic maintenance on the car. Oh yes, I changed the oil, I replaced the oil and air filters and I even took on the task of changing the front brake pads! Now the last of these tasks I would not tackle blind so I enlisted the help of my Russian friend. He is basically a source of knowledge on pretty much anything and when it comes to cars, he knows it all.

So after a couple of hours my hands were dirtied and even my jeans have oil stains, I fought back and regained some 'man' points. Maybe next week I will shoot something, fry it, then devour. Who knows??

It finally happened.....

For the first time in 27 months Hil and I went on a date! It was just meant to happen, Kasia went to her little playgroup/daycare meeting and Hils work schedule allowed her the day off and boom! Out for dinner, well lunch actually.

It was, I have to admit, a little pre-planned. Including driving Hil downtown 'as if' to drop her off at work (something that Kasia is used to) and then Kasia and I carrying on back up the freeway to her school. It seemed a little excessive to drive 20 mins in one direction only to turn around, drive all the way back and then finally to drive back downtown to collect my beautiful wife, all for the sake of tricking Kasia into not having a major meltdown. Well, luckily enough it worked and Hil and I were about to embark on our first date in over two years.

Crazily enough we just couldn't seem to decide on where to go. It was only 10am so we decided to go get coffee and wait for a restaurant to open at 11. I finally (after much deliberation) decided that I had always wanted to go to a seafood place that we had seen a million times on the way to Hils hospital, so in we went to Pappadeuxs seafood restaurant. It was awesome! We were celebrating our, albeit belated, sixth wedding anniversary and in true fashion pushed the boat out (no pun intended-you know boat/seafood? Oh never mind!). We ate Lobster, talked about everything and finished with a flurry of dessert, which frankly was way too much food, but a great time was had by all.

At this point I realize this has little or no relevance to my supposed SAHD experience theme, but it was just such a good time that it must have had a positive effect on the little Kasia monster. Unfortunately when we picked her up from school she'd had a bit of a rough time in class but the teacher said that she was 'majority OK'. So I took that to mean she will be welcomed back and the date was 100% worth it. I have a feeling Kasia is reaching one of the next milestones in her crazy little life. She is obsessed with having her nappy (diaper) changed. Every five minutes it seems, so the next big thing is potty time! Oh what joy, scraping turds out of a plastic bowl. My life, the everlasting gob-stopper of parental joy.....lets see what happens.

What if?

Just when I think I have my whole life set out, planned to perfection and steaming along at a steady pace I seem to sabotage that success by thinking too much. I don't mean thinking just for the sake of thinking but I start the often dangerous 'what if?' discussion in my head. Now, I realize that sometimes the 'what if' question remains as futile as it began but I really think that the process of thinking in terms of 'what if' can drive you to a new and exciting future.

This is basically a blog about what is (potentially) going to happen next in my SAHD world. I suppose it really began almost one year ago when I accidentally shaved my beard off! As stupid as it sounds the accidental shaving of the beard seems to have been a blessing in many ways. Firstly, it made me directly acknowledge the fact that I was clinically obese. I understand that some would not need a shaving accident to realize this obvious physical trait, but in my denial I chose to flagrantly ignore the obvious. The accident was in fact pretty silly as you can imagine. I was just trimming my beard when I sort of slipped and shaved a big chunk out of my goatee. Then, in my wisdom thought, I should just clean shave my face for the first time in about 10 years. What a mistake! I uncovered a fat, unrecognizable , almost middle aged man. I was devastated and swore that I needed to make a change, right there staring in the mirror. As luck would have it we were living in California at the time in a very nice apartment resort type place. This place was amazing and better than anything it had an awesome gym within walking distance from our apartment.

Now, I'm not about to blast on about weight-loss advice or any of that garbage, but I will say this. We all (I hope this is true) have a basic understanding of what it takes to stay (or get) healthy. Its not rocket science, eat sensible and exercise. It really is that simple. The whole "I've tried every diet and exercise program but they didn't work for me" thing is absolute crap. If you burn more calories than you put in, you will lose fat and therefore decrease your body fat percentage, hence healthier person. Too many times we are told to avoid using the word fat or being forced to use politically correct descriptions, because this is in my opinion part of the problem. We live in an obese-centric environment in the western world. We must face the problem, not hide behind kind words like 'heavy' or the always comical 'big-boned'.

Onto the 'what if' scenario. Since starting the journey to get healthy I have noticed that the world literally begins to open up. There are more things that I want to do with my life, things I want to see and achieve. The only problem now is that I have one of the most sedentary and socially constricting jobs around. I have to be at home all the time. My job is centered around the needs of a child and frankly now I have all this new found energy and an honest to goodness new lease on life and I want to use it! But I just don't know how. We, as parents, must look at what is best for the family unit. Right now what is best for my family is that I continue to stay at home. But the question now, is that whats best for me? Will it make Kasias life better if I'm always there and miserable or will it be better if I am seen to be doing all that I can but not around as much but ultimately happy? I don't know. There is a lot going right now in our analysis of the future. I'm not sure what I would be happy doing but 'what if' its something way out there, 'what if' I choose to put myself first.....I guess we will see.

It's so hard for me not to rant!!

I always will struggle with my inability to shut my mouth. I'm sure it gets old for everyone around me but no matter how much I try I just can't stop. I say this because I am really trying to avoid putting any of my verbal diarrhea on here. The funny thing is that it seems as if there are plenty of people out there who don't adhere to the same idea of self-censorship. I haven't really got a point to any of this but I guess it must be coming from somewhere. Oh yeah, I remember...its the way we seem to have a constant stream of 'right and wrong' advocates out there, especially when it comes to parenting.

So here we go....my take on childrens sleep patterns or lack there of! This is a huge deal as all you parents know, and to those of you that are not yet parents (or never want to be) its not as simple as you would think. It pretty much starts with your own idea of parenting in general. If you are someone that feels that a child needs to be 'trained' into behaviour you will undoubtedly disagree with everything that I have to say. The reason is that with sleep there are basically two ways to do it. First is to put the baby in a room on their own and let them cry until they go to sleep. The second is to comfort the child until he/she eventually goes to sleep. At this point I want to say that I have no problem with either technique, my issue is that others are determined to enforce their ideals upon me as a parent.

Hilery and I were blessed with a 'spirited' child who from day one has never really slept! Even on the way home from the hospital she was wide awake. At only days old she would routinely go 5-6 hours without sleep. So even as first time parents we knew we were going to have a rough time. The real problem came when we tried to do 'what the books said', we found that we just couldn't let her scream. She would scream for hours, puke, scream some more and in the end Hil and I decided that we didn't want to put her (or ourselves) through it. Now the argument is that this will only go on for a few days and then it will be better. Well, it never got better, after about 3 weeks with an hour sleep per night, we couldn't do it anymore. We kept her in her crib but would go to her if she cried, sit with her until she went to sleep and so on. This fun game went on for 7 months, finally we broke and our bed became and all in one deal. This was about the point that I decided to do some more reading on the subject.

The funniest things I discovered were from the 'old wisdom' of our forebears and they were nothing more than observations from personal experience and therefore amazingly subjective. There is no set plan for every child, or every parent for that matter. I was told (many, many times) that if you cuddle or 'baby' your child too much they will be clingy and nervous adults with no independence whatsoever. Apparently we were in fact 'spoiling' Kasia (I hate that phrase, always makes me think of spoiled or rotten food).

Well, case in point, me. I slept in my parents bed until I was five, I was the biggest mummy's boy you have ever seen (still am if I'm honest). Yet, I was the first in my family to go to University, I took part in international exchange programs and I topped it all off with leaving my family and friends and emigrating 5000 miles away to start my own family. Not bad for a clingy kid that was never supposed to leave his house let alone do anything else!

I guess what I am trying to say is that I would love to know what is so 'wrong' with your kid being in the bed with you and having a cuddle? Maybe it shows that we are not so economically flush that we can't afford at least two bedrooms circa 1840, no. Maybe its because we want to negatively effect all involved, er no. Or maybe its because we are doing the best we can and right now that means having a little munchkin, pee soaked nappy and all, in the family bed. Would I love it if Kasia was in her own room most of the time...yeah it would be awesome but at the same time we are now getting into a really nice routine with bed times at 8pm and waking up sometime in the daylight hours so really I can't complain. I just wish people would stop telling us that it is 'wrong' to have a family bed, because if it is so wrong then about 70% of the developing world are in fact doing it 'wrong', and maybe one day they will also hold in place the idea that sleeping baby=good parent and not sleeping baby=bad parent.

I could go on and on as most of you know, but frankly I have had a crappy day. Kasia won't eat, won't let go of me and basically is being a pickle so cheers to being parents and remember.......this too shall pass!

Snow day...and night!

It finally happened!! The time came when Hilery had to be away for the whole night and I alone was responsible for looking after Kasia for more than 24 hours on my own. Again to some this may not be a major thing but to me it has always been a scary prospect. Hilery had to go and sleep at the hospital last night so that she could be there for her shift today, all because of the snow. Now it wasn't just some snow, Fort Worth Texas got hit with 12.5" of snow in one day! Considering this is Texas and its pretty damn hot most of the time this was a record snowfall. As I mentioned before, Hilery and I share a car so she has taken the fabulously manly Hyundai Elantra in the ice and snow to work, leaving Kasia and I stranded in the house (not much fun). We did take Kasia out in the snow yesterday but, alas, she pretty much hated it. I guess she will learn to like it at some point but I'm not worried.

The best part of the snow yesterday wasn't building a snowman or just reveling in the wintry glory, it was in fact something far less glamorous but nevertheless practical and fun. I had to put chains on the front tires of the car. I had to do this because the only way I could get the car up the hill in the snow was to finally use them. I had bought these chains when we lived near Yosemite National Park in California (you have to have them there by law) but I figured I would never get to use them in Texas! Well, I did and I got the car out and Hilery made it to work where she had to sleep on a stretcher all night. Nursing is just one of those jobs where you can't just call in and say 'nah, not coming in today...bad weather!'. Nurses in the US are licensed and as such even when one graduates Nursing School one has to pass a board of certification test before a license to practice can be issued. Therefore, a nurses patients are his/her responsibility and the nurses are legally bound to provide care, in short Hil had to get her ass to work!

So today, I sit in the house waiting for either the snow to melt (not gonna happen) or maybe some inspiration as to how to keep a two year old entertained for the next couple of days. The Play-dough is out, the toys are strewn across the house and lets just hope that Hil is able to get home tonight. This is a blessing in disguise in many ways because all three of us have to practice this new system (Mummy away and Daddy on his own for a while) so that in June when the big one happens we will be somewhat prepared. I will no doubt be blabbering on about the events in June at some length pretty soon, wow I bet everyone reading this is just beyond excited for that one!

I had a bunch of stuff to say....but I've forgotten!

Don't you just hate it when you have a bunch if things you need to kinda sweep clear out of your head and then you just can't remember what in the hell those things were! Mind you, I guess the point is that if you don't remember then they must not have been that important to begin with. Oh well.

On the subject of randomness, it's snowing. Now Texas isn't supposed to get much in the way of the fluffy stuff but it seems that we are getting a few inches. Now this plays into my role as SAHD because some how I have to get Hilery to work in the ice and snow tomorrow morning. The reason it's such a pain is because Hilery and I share one car. We used to have my little truck but due to a whole heap of reasons we got rid of it. The real problem is that in order to share a car Hilery, myself and Kasia have to get in the car at 6am and take Hil to work. It's not the most pleasant thing to have to drag a 2 year old out of bed at the best of times but in the ice and snow it just seems like a horrible risk! So our options are limited but it seems Hil may have to go to the hospital tonight and sleep there so that she can nurse on the floor tomorrow. Boo hiss! All in all being a stay at home parent and not having access to a car sucks. It's not like back home in the UK where you can walk to the store etc, here in beautiful Texas everything is about 500 miles away! But I must not complain to much. Life throws us these curve balls and the least we can do is have a swing at them....

Here's the thing....

As some of you know Hilery works 12 hour shifts on a rotating (kinda random actually!) schedule which basically means that she works two days on then two days off. Awesome I hear you cry, you must have so much time to do other things! Umm, for some reason...no, not really. I mean there are two distinct ways that we run our house, when Hil is at work and the baby care is all down to me, then there is the shared responsibility. I quite honestly don't know how parents cope when one does 99% of the daily child care while the other works an out of the home job. I cannot even begin to imagine being a single parent. Basically the point I am not so eloquently trying to make is that I really believe in duel parental responsibility. Take tonight for example, we were invited to a friends house (who we hadn't seen for a while) to watch the Superbowl...um the World Championship of only American participant teams...ummm anyway, and we had a blast. I love the fact that Hilery gets to be 'the Mum' but I have such a pivotal role in how we raise Kasia. I love telling stories of what Kasia has been doing and how shes growing into a little person. If I were the stereotypical Dad I don't think I would get to experience these amazing things.

That's not to say that I don't respect the hell out of the Dads that get out there and do there own jobs. Every day I think about what my parents went through to raise me and my sister. The luxury vacations in Broadstairs (a quaint English seaside town..not exactly the Bahamas I can assure you), the unbelievable lack of resources, the hypothermia on the train station platform because you have no car and no winter coat so that your kids don't go without. These are things my parents did, and guess what...that's what its all about. Sacrifice. Does it make you a better person for going through it. That I don't know, all I know is that having kids is a choice (for the most part). One doesn't just slip and fall and boom a baby is made! We make choices and we live by them, plain and simple.

All in all I was proud tonight. Proud of my baby girl for behaving so well, proud of my wife for being just an awesome person and honestly proud of myself for being able to say yeah, I'm a Stay at Home Dad....and it seems like I'm doing OK so far.

Just a quick note.....

Kasia finished her first ever day at play school today! She did amazing, no melt downs...she didn't even seem to miss me. Anyway I guess next week will be the real test.

Step 1: Ignoring advice.

OK, I will admit, right now, to reading an article on 'How to blog'. The only piece of advice it gave that was even worth reading was that one must write on these blogs as if people are actually reading them, and furthermore one must write as if these people reading have no prior knowledge of you or what you are writing about. Therefore I am going to be one of those annoying people and just blabber on about pretty much everything.

I will say this though, I'm not going to use this thing to go off on a political tirade or rants about life in general (I am firmly down off of my high horse!) instead I am trying to simply write about my life as a SAHD (Stay At Home Dad). Now as boring as this may be to some, thats why I'm doing this. Its kinda of a therapy really, a crappy, cheap form of therapy!

So I have been a SAHD now since Kasia was born, well on my own after Hilery (my wife) went back to work. The reason she went back to work and I stayed at home was simple. Hilery makes good money as a Registered Nurse and I, well um, don't! I have no degree, no real skills and frankly have little to offer a well paying occupation. I say that with a hint of jest but its pretty much true. Anyway, I figured like most that being a SAHD would consist mainly of sitting, watching Oprah and generally doing very little. Reality came crashing in around me when at 3 months old, Kasia was my sole responsibility during the day. Now, Kasia is currently 26 months old so I must have done something right but the journey so far has been less than joyful.

Thats not to say that I don't love what I do in a weird kinda way. It's just the biggest issue remains a social one. We (as a society) are still not ready for SAHDs. No matter what people say on the subject, they may say its great and all this, bla bla bla, but in reality women are more comfortable being around other women in regards to a child care situation. That's what makes it a difficult job.

So to the title of this post. Ignoring advice is something that I am amazingly good at. For better or for worse I hate people telling me what to do, that includes good steady advice. I am trying to change this facet of my personality but frankly I fear it is set in stone. The biggest piece of advice that I ignored, which turned out to be a monumental mistake, was not to move away from family and friends and then decide to start having kids. Duh! Right? But at the time Hil and I just wanted to do our own thing and we basically thought we knew better. We didn't. Most people say that when they have kids they don't get to go out or do anything or see anybody, but if I told you I could count on one hand the amount or people that have simply dropped by to see if we are OK, I wouldn't be exaggerating. I'm not saying that anyone should, I'm just saying that it would be nice. Hilery and I have not had a 'date night' in 26 months. Not one meal, not one movie, not one walk on our own. I sound like I'm moaning which I kinda am, but really its just to suggest to anyone reading this that doesn't have kids yet....DON'T MOVE AWAY FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND THEN HAVE KIDS! It doesn't matter how much your parents get on your nerves or any of that, just take all the help you can get.

At this point I have to cut this off! Oh dear what a shame!! But its because I have to go and get Kasia from a playgroup. Yes, that's right we finally found a little playgroup where she stays there for 5 whole hours!! It's her first day and I have felt physically sick since I dropped her off. Not helped, mind you, when as I'm walking down the corridor to leave her for the first time in 2 years she sweetly yells.."Daddy where are you!!", I honestly thought that I was gonna start crying in front of all these Mums and teachers...however I stayed strong and went to the gym. What else could I do apart from then come home and write on this bloggy thing. Anyway, must dash and sorry its long winded, but that's me folks! Peace....wish me luck.

Number one...first post.

Now, as it must be plainly clear this is the first post on this blog. I honestly have never read more than a couple of pages on any blog so I'm not entirely sure how all this works. All I do know is that about a million people have told me to do something and write my story. This is my feeble attempt at doing so.

Stinky features, aka Kasia (my adorable daughter) and I have just returned from the worst kids club in the world. Instead of a joyous union of toddlers and parents it was just a bunch of people selling stuff in the middle of the mall! So that will be the last time that I will be going there! I am trying though. I go to all the story times that I can and I'm a regular at the zoo. There just isn't much that's fun around here. Maybe theres no fun anywhere, for me at least!

At this point I should probably serve up some background on my situation. But for now I am going to go cook dinner for my ladies and try this thing again tomorrow.