I try to write about one or two blog entries per week. The problem is that although I always seem to have something to say about pretty much everything, I am struggling with self-censorship. As I think I mentioned previously, I have an amazingly big mouth without much in the way of control attached to it. If I see or experience something I either like or dislike I immediately feel the drive to put my opinion into the fray. I honestly wish that I could hold these impulses back but I fear they are an integral part of my identity.
Nothing in particular has happened this week yet I feel this overwhelming sense of annoyance and in part bitterness. Maybe it is 'because' we are leaving soon or maybe it is in some way pushing me to 'enjoy' leaving. I have never had an easy time finding friends here in America (let alone Texas!) and I really think that may be rooted in my expectations. I always seem to need the people around me to at least have a similar sense of humour or admiration for varying types of entertainment, alas here I have very, very few comrades. Even when a group forms and stories are told, mine always seem to be a little 'different' than the rest.
There are many things I would like to write about but most of which I will refrain. I wish I could write about my Stag day in the run up to my wedding. I wish I could talk about my teenage years and the wayward direction I was aiming in but I won't. Not here. Some of the stories I think are kinda funny, some are crazy and some are...well...boring.
I know I always move onto the raising of Kasia and this blog is no different. I'm not sure whether or not to tell her of my adolescence in a completely honest way. I mean, I want to but there are things I have done that I try not to admit to myself let alone anyone else and especially not my child to whom I am a major role model. I fear that when she reaches an age of understanding she may throw my experiences back at me as some kind of justification for bad behaviour. Again, who knows? Maybe I should write with %100 percent honesty with no regards to future plans, or just maybe I should let the past stay there and just pick out the bits that won't upset anybody.
It just occurred to me that the semblance of fear is something which has never stopped me before and perhaps the fear of honesty is the worst fear of all. Without an honest perspective we grow into fractured people, people who put on the mask of acceptance without ever once striving for truth. We are not born broken and I for one believe that without honesty, we will never learn from each other. Without honesty we will never piece togther our own crippled lives and without honesty how can we ever expect anyone to trust us...especially our kids.
Not that you are looking for anyone else's opinions here, but I struggle with this at work almost everyday. I want to be honest with my students about some of the poor decisions I have made and the lessons I have learned from them, but sometimes admitting that you made those poor decisions can change how you are perceived/admired by others. When things come up and they ask me a direct question, I try to answer it with honesty and if it is something I just can't (or shouldn't) admit- I tell them about a friend who made the same "mistake". Whatever I tell them, I always make sure to add- "life is all about making choices. I haven't made all the right ones and I have experienced the consequences of some of the bad ones." Not sure there's any answers in here, but those Daddy instincts will guide you in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteAn honest answer can never be a wrong answer. I have already learnt that the best thing to tell honor (3) is the truth, we have had alot of tragedy recently which would of been easier to lie about but we decided to tell her the truth and enable her to feel emotions that she will inevitably feel again at some point in her life. I find her more and more amazing every day as she takes things in her stride and works through her feelings with our support. She is hurt,angry and sad but is learning that all of these feelings are normal for everybody and i am very glad that we took the honesty choice. As for when they are older and they know your "past" mistakes, this can only be a good thing,would you want them to hear it from someone else? When they throw it back in your face (and of course they will) simply stay calm and say "obviously my dear i am the most qualified person to encourage you to make the right choices." leave it at that and i guarantee they will come to you for advice x x much love jo x
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