I wanna...must hava!

Thats what my Dad calls me. I wish I could say that it doesn't bother me but I guess it does because it has followed me all the way into adulthood. The funniest part is that I've never had luxuries, well I mean no 'real' luxuries. I understand that what constitutes luxuries to one person doesn't necessarily to another, but as a general rule...I wouldn't say I have been over indulgent in regards to material things.

The reason I'm talking about this is because Kasia seems to be very good at going to the store and not whining about not having something bought for her. I'm not entirely sure on how long this will last but for now its great. The thing is, she doesn't even seem to have much affection for her toys. She has never really had a favourite teddy or anything and she just doesn't seem to care about 'her' things. She does however get very passionate over her clothing, man I'm in trouble!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wonder if we have a materialistic mentality from birth, is it innate? Or do we foster our own view of materialism over a life of have or have not. Do I crave certain things because I never had them as a child or do I simply want them for the sake of wanting them. I'm curious as to how Kasia will turn out, Hilery is very non-materialistic and focuses on experiences as apposed to a collection of objects, plus she also holds academic education as a priority. I on the other hand am forever complaining that I want this or that, and as much as I respect education I wouldn't say I'm comfortable with holding it in such high esteem. So because Kasia has two alternate viewpoints from her parents will she be a blend or sway one way instead of another? It will definitely be interesting to find out and maybe (hopefully) she will be able to teach me a thing or two.

I have been told (many times) that I have a chip on my shoulder because I come from a working class background. As much as I hate the stigma, I think I do have a chip on my shoulder but not in the way most would think. My Dad was born and raised in council funded accommodation (the projects for the Americans!) but through an amazing amount of hard work and sacrifice I was raised outside of that environment. There is however just one catch. Could we really afford to live in the suburban environment? Probably not, and when I say 'afford' I mean all that comes with keeping up with all that was expected of that lifestyle. My parents took me on foreign holidays, we had cars and we always had plenty of food on the table. But at what cost? I see my life and I want to give Kasia opportunities I never had but I want her to appreciate those things! I guess I'm just scared that without being deprived in some way we may never appreciate that moment when/if we finally 'make it'.

As with everything in life I suppose I will find out soon enough. Maybe I will surprise myself and stop wanting. Will I cease to be an 'I wanna..must hava'? Probably not.......but at least I can try.

I thought that I may actually catch on fire.....

Today has been a good day. I'm a fan of these days, you know when you have a plan and you stick to it and all seems good with the world. The most amazing thing about today was that I went to church....but still had a good day!

Allow me to explain. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not a church goer. I choose not to attend church because, frankly, I am not a Christian. Now, in the part of the world that I live that makes me an 'Atheist' but I'm not an Atheist....I'm just happen to not be a Christian (and no other religion for that matter). I went to a church today because a writer who I enjoy immensely was speaking at a friends church. The writers name is Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz (and six other good books), and he was giving a talk/speech as part of his book tour. If you haven't read his books, he is a guy who struggles with organised anything let alone religion. His narrative is free flowing and very deep, he memoirs his thoughts and opinions beautifully and I enjoy reading them, even though sometimes I don't hold those same views.

He is an interesting man because he grew up without a father. Not an isolated case I realise but he articulates his feelings towards parenthood and more specifically the role of the father in a way that everybody should hear. He is asked many times if he had the choice would he choose to have a Dad, he says that he finds it hard to say yes. He says this because living the way he has, has allowed him to become who he is, if he changed anything he would inadvertently change his current self. He has realized that growing up without a father has opened his eyes to the plight of so many young kids out there who have a need for a positive male role model.

He now runs The Mentoring Project. A program designed to help kids without this male role model, it is based on the Big Brother Big Sister idea but there is room for more than one program of that sort and he aims to fill that void. Now, where Donald Miller and I differ is with the issue of faith. Its a confusing subject for me and one that I have no intentions of going into in this blog. But I'm talking about this because I was trying to imagine what life Kasia would have without me. I know that there are millions of good kids working towards a positive life that have little in the way of fatherly protection and guidance but how important are us Dads?

When I got home today I had every intention of writing a scathing piece about the church that I went to. The thing is I don't really want to, I don't want to offend my friend who regularly attends and I just don't want to ramble on about the cynicism I hold so close to my heart. But I will say this, it was my first experience of a 'mega-church'. Now for those of you that are not American, these things are crazy! Back in England we have no such institutions...I mean we have Cathedrals and beautiful architecture but the churches over here are of another world. I walked into the building to see and indoor play arena for the kids, a coffee shop (yes, they charge money for snacks and coffee!) and all around me people filtered into an auditorium. The thing was, that room that held about 500 people was just one of many 'rooms', the one I was going to go into was for kids! And not all kids, just the K-5th grade ones. The daycare center was the nicest I have ever seen anywhere....not only a church...better than a bloody theme park! Anyway, after asking directions (yep, directions) my friend and I (another friend who does not attend this church) made our way to a different building to see the service....this place was huge! It was its own building that held thousands, I was absolutely shocked and amazed.

I also realise that this wasn't a particularly big 'mega-church', there are some that have 80,000 plus in attendance every Sunday! But for me it was just another example of why I am not a Christian in the modern sense. I cannot align myself with such blatant consumerist religion. I will say though, each to there own, and the work that the establishment does in the community and in numerous charities is commendable but it is clearly not for me. Even as nice as the daycare seems to be, I just cannot see me taking Kasia to a church of that size and lets be honest...its just a miracle I didn't burst into flames on the spot.....

Being a Dad is something which for me changes everyday. After listening to Mr Miller today, I sort of realise that us Dads have a responsibility to be the child's mentor. Not just an ATM or a disciplinarian, but someone who they can look to for guidance and just a shoulder to cry on...maybe even as a scapegoat for misplaced aggression. All these things that Dads can be, its just a shame that so many 'men' choose to neglect these responsibilities. I hope that I can help Kasia to become who she wants to be and not force her to adhere to some preconceived ideals that I may hold. I want to walk with her every step until one day shes ready to run all on her own.

Patriotism....a dirty word????

Is it possible? Is it wrong to be proud of ones heritage and to adorn a building with the national flag, is this somehow a sign of racial intimidation....is it possible?

Well I guess it is. I left my country of birth about six years ago to start a new life with my American wife. At no point did I cease to be English, nor did I wish to forget where I was born and raised. Yet, I feel now that I am more patriotic to my homeland than ever before. Why? Simple, I live in a country where being proud of your nation and displaying that pride in bold and illustrious ways is an everyday occurrence. Whether it be fighter jet fly overs or just wearing a depiction of the stars and stripes, Americans are very, very patriotic on the whole. But the English are discouraged from such displays. Even our national flag, the St Georges Cross, is apparently a symbol of racial hatred. We, as a nation, do not even have our national day as a holiday.

Today this is important as it is St Georges Day. A day which was, until the 18th century, a day of feasting and general national celebration. It is argued that after the inclusion of Scotland and the overall 'creation' of the United Kingdom, interest in the national day wained. But today we have no 'official' celebration, no feasting and not even much waving of flags. All that my memory suggests is that children are told the story of George and the Dragon.

Its a little odd for me living in the US, mainly because most people are interested in where I come from and I guess in time Kasia will have to explain how and why she is half English. I want to always tell Kasia of her heritage in a positive way but it can be hard when the people of Britain are expected to accept 'new' cultures to the island but at the same time show little in the way of national pride. What am I to tell Kasia when we go to England and we are not allowed to wear England football shirts in pubs? How do I explain that the St Georges Cross is our flag but you will rarely see it displayed?

This subject reminds me of one of my favourite/hated conversations here in America. Having to try and explain the difference between: Great Britain, England, The United Kingdom, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. Its a confusing and somewhat entertaining discussion but it allows me to reiterate in my own mind what is so special about home.

Maybe Kasia won't be interested in her inherited culture, maybe she will or maybe she will be as confused by us (British people) as most Americans seem to be. We share a language but our cultures are vastly different...just look at the way we treat national pride! It's a funny old game.....

Everything Dies....

Morbid, depressing, melancholic, sad, bleak, dispiriting.....

All descriptions of the music produced by the monstrous band that was/is Type O Negative. The singer of this band, Peter Steele, died April 14th of this year, he was 48 years old. Now the reason I'm mentioning it (aside from the fact that I have listened to his music for the better part of my life) is because I have been asked recently whether or not I would 'allow' Kasia to listen to 'heavy metal'. My answer, of course, is yes I will 'allow' her to. However upon reflection what I should say is that it is her choice what she listens to and the idea of allowance is irrelevant. I understand that as parents we must keep an eye on what our children are exposed to but I truly believe in the organic growth of a child. In teaching them how to respond to art we are only forcing their hand. I think it is so important to encourage an appreciation for all facets of humanity, not just the positive aspects.

Heavy metal has a notorious reputation for negativity. But in reality it is simply an art form that discusses the darker side of life. It does not negate the positive, it just highlights the 'unspoken' human emotions. Its not the only art form that is focussed on the macabre. Most, if not all, religious art is centered around tragedy. I think its something that we are all interested in, just think about watching the news! In regards to raising kids though it gets a little complicated for me. I would love for Kasia to share my appreciation for certain art forms but I know that she will undoubtably rebel against whatever it is that I like! She has to, its just part of growing up but I hope that she will understand my near obsession with 'dark' music and art.

Kasia already displays her distinct personality and as challenging as it can be, I love it. Driving home the other day from the store we had no music on in the car. Hil and I were just chatting when from the back this little voice said "guitar....drums?" she wanted to listen to her favourite band...Down! I was so proud, my little two year old wanted to listen to some rock and roll.

With the passing of another of my rock idols I am starting to appreciate my new lifestyle even more. Peter Steele was a habitual drug and alcohol abuser and in the last six months or so had really started to clean up his life. Unfortunately it was too late, his life choices had caught up with his evident mortality. I can only hope that he enjoyed his habitual past times but I fear, in the end, he was regretting them. Maybe these stories of excess and eventual demise will be a grave lesson to us all and of course to the newest generation.....moderation my friends, everything in moderation!

I learnt a new word....bidialectalism!

It's a crazy word and one which I have come across in the last month or so. Bidialectalism means that one uses and understands two dialects within the same language, the argument here is whether or not American English and English are in fact the same language.

From my experience these two 'languages' are very different. It's not only in the words used but the inflection of pronunciation and even the syntax seems to follow a different pattern. I'm jabbering on about this because over the last five years or so I have become bidialectal and it seems that Kasia is already able to change the words she uses depending on the situation. For example, in English we use the word 'Nappy' to describe the material positioned to catch the pee and/or poo. In American English the word used is 'Diaper'. Now this seems like a relatively simple distinction to us adults but I will tell you now that English people (because of American media) have a much better understanding of American words than the Americans do of English words or turns of phrase. However my point is that Kasia knows when to used these two completely different words. At her Mothers Day Out (play school) group on a Friday morning she uses the word 'Diaper' to ask for it to be changed but when she comes home, she instantly changes and uses the word 'Nappy'....pretty good for a two year old I think.

It's almost common knowledge that children pick up second languages very quickly compared to adults or even teenagers but I'm not sure we realise how well kids can distinguish between dialects as well. The nappy example is one of many that Kasia can now use, she even changes nursery rhymes whilst speaking to her Grandparents on Skype. She seems to understand that in order to be understood she has to use a code that her audience will be able to understand.

A mere sideline to this idea of English/American language is English/American relations. I'm not sure why it is so apparent but the divide is a really interesting one. I liken it to somebody having a younger brother. The older sibling (England) is a little envious of the younger (America) because the younger one seems to have all the best stuff! Every time I read the comments on English news sites about events here in the US the public views are always things like: 'Typical arrogant Americans' or 'Well, thats to be expected of those fat yanks', a constant stream of petty jibes directed at the American culture. Now I am proud to be English and I will definitely raise Kasia to be aware of her inherited culture but if I had to pick somewhere for us to live I would choose the US any day! It has problems, it has issues but ultimately there is more opportunity here.

Writing this blog sometimes makes me feel like a prize prat, but it definitely helps me categorize and identify with the people and the things around me. I hope that everyone is able to take the time to analyze their own life story and make the next chapter one that they themselves would be interested to read.

My first Half Marathon...done!

About four years ago I spoke to a work colleague about the fact that I wanted to take part in a 5K race. That colleague has become one of my closest friends and someone who is equal parts talented as he is crazy! I was saying this to him because he was/is an endurance athlete who excels in running, cycling, mountaineering, skeleton (yep sliding down ice), rugby...this list goes on an on. He was always planning amazing trips with his brother and I basically wanted to do my small version of physical experimentation. Well, the years passed and I still hadn't done the 5K. I was too fat, too 'busy' and frankly too lazy.

With my new found lease on life and with a drive to be a positive role model for Kasia I eventually did the 5K race. It was a lot of fun, ironically, but it was just a taste of what I have now found my self experiencing. Today I completed my first Half Marathon. I ran a distance of 13.1 miles in about 2 hours and 14 mins. This I did with my friend at my side. I don't think he was planning to have a behemoth in his wake but I tagged along and ran with him and his brother-in-law. The guys graciously allowed me to run the whole distance with them and it was just a fantastic experience. Each time I felt the urge to stop, there they were, pounding that road and making me find another gear.

Needless to say I am pretty darn proud of myself. Even though my legs have officially ceased to be a part of my body for the next couple of days, it was all worth it. My friend pushes me to push myself. He regularly climbs mountains, rides crazy distances on a bike and takes part in Ultra Marathons but he still has the time to help out a guy on his first steps to an unknown destination.

I'm blessed really because right now, Hilery is on another charge. Not only did she recently win her age group division at the Fort Worth 5K, she has a new found passion for Triathlons. She will compete in another one soon and she is just an absolute monster! A mum, a nurse, an athlete....so many things and she gets little in the way of thanks. I wish I could complement her achievements in a more elaborate way, but currently helping to raise our little munchkin is all I can offer.

We are trying to provide Kasia with a success rich environment, without ignoring the need for failure. I say 'need' because we must all fail in order to triumph over it. Failure makes us better people and ultimately better parents. It is all in the manner in which we succeed or fail which defines us. I keep trying things and let me tell you...its really hard sometimes. But I remember how lucky I am in a million different ways.

Next stop is maybe another Half Marathon but ultimately a full 26.2 mile Marathon. I will be entering the ballot for the 2011 London Marathon and I hope I can get a place. If I can I hope that my friends and family with be willing to shout encouragement (or abuse I don't care!) along the way. Lets hope it all works out.

Run Forrest Run....

I never understood the need that many people on this planet hold. The need to run. I hate running, well I guess thats not entirely true, I dislike running. I can understand the need for humans to run, for example to get food or perhaps to evade and enemy but to run for fun......no surely not.

This has changed as of late due to my new found interest, physical endurance. We are all created equal yet different in my opinion. To illustrate this forgive my swift analogy: my friend Greg bravely and speedily chases down a gazelle, he chases it for ten hours until the beast collapses from exhaustion. At this point he kills it and then comes my job. Due to my physicality, I must drag this stinking rotting carcass back to the village. We both have our roles to play using our own stature to complete the task as best we can.

I realise at this point that this is a crap analogy but my point is, we are not all designed to run marathons or compete in the Olympics. However we are all born with an ability to push ourselves beyond what we once may have thought impossible. For this reason I am going to attempt to run a marathon.

This challenge will begin in a week or so when I compete in a Half Marathon and use it as a training aid for the full in a few months. The training for this has been steady and in many ways enjoyable. I even completed a ten mile run this pass week in preparation for the race. At this point I will feebly attempt to align this with my SAHD theme. I really see all this physical training as positive role modelling for Kasia. She seems to really get a kick out of when Mummy and Daddy go for a run (albeit at different times). She helps us get ready, she even pretends to stretch sometimes, it is amazingly cute and fulfilling to watch.

I wish that Kasia was already old enough to take part in these events with me but I will not wish my life away anymore. I have pledged to live my life in chapters and this next one might just be the 'hardest' yet. But as Don Miller says, 'the point is not necessarily to win at the end of the story, just have the strength to make it through.'