That dark place....

I always seem to struggle with what some may call 'completion'. I tend to start things and then invariably stop them dead. I have these manic phases where I am determined to push forward and accept every aspect of the challenge. Then I fall into that dark place. A place where I just cannot seem to function, the only way to describe the feeling is, well.....desolation.

Now I am fully aware how this sounds, oh man he's off again the miserable bastard! Well I am coming to terms with that. I am, it seems, somewhat of a melancholy person and it brings me to a point that I'm still not sure I should elaborated on. However in the spirit of truth I think I will just stop writing this blog.

Determined not to air my dirty laundry in a blog of all things I think it is best that I stop writing. I have really enjoyed this experience and have received some amazingly positive responses. Here is the problem, its all bollocks. I have genuinely meant every word that I have written in these twenty odd entries but I feel that the most important aspects of my purpose have been ignored. If I'm honest, I am the one that has ignored them. When I read back on these blog entries it is as if I am reading someone else's words. I wish that I felt differently about it but I don't.

I will continue to write, probably in the form of a book and when that book surfaces it will not read like this blog. I wish to write with a level of honesty that I am not yet ready to do. I wish to write without the constraints of my own awareness. I want to write and for people to read my 'real' words. I hope to write in such a way that people will read 'me' as well as the drivel that the pen creates. Self-censorship is a curse to the open mind and I certainly do not speak in the manner in which I have written this blog. That is one of the major reasons I have to change my approach.

I realise that this is not award winning literature but anything that is posted online is 'out there' in the world for all to read. And one of my biggest fears is that Kasia may one day read the things I write...then turn to me and say "well that doesn't sound like you".

I am going to try and be 'real' again for my family and for me.....so on that note..fuck all this blogging bollox, thank you and goodnight.

Truth....is it that important?

I try to write about one or two blog entries per week. The problem is that although I always seem to have something to say about pretty much everything, I am struggling with self-censorship. As I think I mentioned previously, I have an amazingly big mouth without much in the way of control attached to it. If I see or experience something I either like or dislike I immediately feel the drive to put my opinion into the fray. I honestly wish that I could hold these impulses back but I fear they are an integral part of my identity.

Nothing in particular has happened this week yet I feel this overwhelming sense of annoyance and in part bitterness. Maybe it is 'because' we are leaving soon or maybe it is in some way pushing me to 'enjoy' leaving. I have never had an easy time finding friends here in America (let alone Texas!) and I really think that may be rooted in my expectations. I always seem to need the people around me to at least have a similar sense of humour or admiration for varying types of entertainment, alas here I have very, very few comrades. Even when a group forms and stories are told, mine always seem to be a little 'different' than the rest.

There are many things I would like to write about but most of which I will refrain. I wish I could write about my Stag day in the run up to my wedding. I wish I could talk about my teenage years and the wayward direction I was aiming in but I won't. Not here. Some of the stories I think are kinda funny, some are crazy and some are...well...boring.

I know I always move onto the raising of Kasia and this blog is no different. I'm not sure whether or not to tell her of my adolescence in a completely honest way. I mean, I want to but there are things I have done that I try not to admit to myself let alone anyone else and especially not my child to whom I am a major role model. I fear that when she reaches an age of understanding she may throw my experiences back at me as some kind of justification for bad behaviour. Again, who knows? Maybe I should write with %100 percent honesty with no regards to future plans, or just maybe I should let the past stay there and just pick out the bits that won't upset anybody.

It just occurred to me that the semblance of fear is something which has never stopped me before and perhaps the fear of honesty is the worst fear of all. Without an honest perspective we grow into fractured people, people who put on the mask of acceptance without ever once striving for truth. We are not born broken and I for one believe that without honesty, we will never learn from each other. Without honesty we will never piece togther our own crippled lives and without honesty how can we ever expect anyone to trust us...especially our kids.

Cross into the Blue......

OK, so it has finally happened! It has taken almost an entire year but as of Wednesday May 5th 2010, my wife Hilery Mulholland, is now a First Lieutenant in the United States Air Force. It's a little crazy I guess but I could not be more proud of her. She is the kind of person that is in constant need of a challenge. Whether that challenge is academic, career based or physical, Hilery just loves to push herself above and beyond what most can/will do.

This whole thing started years ago in point of fact. Hil was interested in the opportunities that the USAF could provide in terms of career progression and travel. Things happened and life just kept cruising along but we have recently found ourselves as a family in need of something new. That something is the military. Initially I was going to go into the Army but without much deliberation I have been deemed ineligible due to medical conditions (PA). I suppose that fate stepped in because as a soldier of low rank I would have been gone overseas 80% of the time and earning next to nothing in wages. For Hilery it is an entirely different ball game. Although she may/will be deployed, the deployment averages around four months (Army is fifteen!) and the lifestyle in the USAF is very, very comfortable.

I wish I could find a way to explain why this is a good move for us, but I just don't have the words. The military is not for everybody, and Hil isn't doing it to be a hero! She desperately doesn't want to leave us for huge chunks of time but it is the nature of the job and we hope that the benefits out way that sacrifice.

Hilery will go to COT (Commissioned Officer Training) in Montgomery Alabama for 32 days starting June 28th. So unfortunately I will be on my lonesome! Hopefully my parents will be visiting for some of the time but if anyone wants to drop by and help out...the door is open! After the month of training we will report to Hilery's first duty station, it is Peterson AFB in Colorado Springs, Colorado. We will be stationed there for approximately three years and then who knows? I can only hope that the move to CO will attract some visitors for the ski season.....fingers crossed.

Many people have put forward a less than chirpy response to Hil having to go away for large periods of time and I understand, I really do. But what people seem to forget is that there are many jobs in the civilian world when working away from home is a necessity. Yet no one sheds as much negativity as when it is due to the military. As I said, it is understandable but we currently live in a secluded bubble with no family and very few friends...we hope the USAF will become our new family and we look forward to crossing into the blue! (man that was cheesy, but I liked it!)