If pain is weakness leaving the body then I should be empty by now...

Its been about three years now and I suppose in those three years I have only just begun to accept that physicality, in every sense, is an inconvenience. Since my earliest memories I have 'struggled' with my weight and body image. I'm not sure if in the early years I fully understood what it meant to be classed by physical size but I'm damn sure that I always felt a little different.

I was always the 'big' kid and that slowly gave way to being the 'fat' kid. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't picked on in the traditional sense. Mainly because I was bigger that most, if not all, the other kids. But I was always aware that I was somehow different. I distinctly remember the days in science class when us students would be forced to 'weigh-in' to gauge the class average weight. That was a fun day.

For sure I'm not going to write this with my heart bleeding onto the page but I will apply my experiences growing up to how I parent Kasia, I have to! Its all I have....

I cannot allow Kasia to experience the teasing. I will not allow her to go through the unnecessary taunting. I should not allow her to get to that point in the first place. How will I stop this? Well frankly, by being a good role model. I can't sit around eating chips and drinking beer all day (as much as I want to), I instead must show her what life can be like and simply hope and pray that if I don't show her the alternative (at least not from Hilery or I) I may then be able to prevent the teenage contamination from ever happening.

I have currently lost about 80 lbs (just over 6 stone)in weight but more than that I have been able to change the course of my life, and I hope Kasias.There has, however, been a slight glitch in my master plan. Three years ago I began to suffer some joint pain. Now the fact that I was regularly doing Judo and was carrying around almost 330 lbs was enough to convince me that that was all it was, being too fat. Until I went to my Dermatologist, I went for a routine skin analysis thing (as I have always suffered from mild Psoriasis) but during this meeting I mentioned the pain. From this appointment things changed a tad.

Over this past year I have been referred to a Rheumatologist because I have a condition called Psoriatic Arthropathy which is basically a form of Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is an autoimmune disease which characterizes itself in the form of joint and muscle pain. Fun huh? Well the reason I bring it up is two-fold: one reason is that I really, sincerely hope that Kasia has not inherited this condition (as it is genetic) and the second reason is that just because these diseases plague our lives it is in no way a reason not to change for the better, both physically and mentally.

I have a condition that in extreme cases can leave you in a wheelchair, it's a condition that is relatively unresearched and such, has little treatment available. I am resigned to the fact that I must self inject twice a week and take a series of other pills to dampen or subdue the symptoms. It makes being a SAHD a little tougher but there are so many people out there struggling in such a grave fashion that it really only makes me appreciate what I have all the more. But it did make me see how important our controllable health factors are. By 'controllable' I mean; the food we eat, the intentional exercise we do and the malevolence we abstain from. Being fat is no good. I know thats not very 'PC' but its plainly obvious. Almost all obseity related illness is preventable, its not a life sentence but I think we, as society, are treating as such.

Our kids need us as parents, they don't need us as friends or as teachers, those roles are only part of being a Mum or Dad. I think we need to remember why we had kids, it definitely wasn't to simplify our lives. It was hopefully through love and a need to pass that love on through our kids. I have been asked by friends of mine, 'why have kids?', 'the world is a cesspit and full of cretins!' Well, I love my friends, I love my family so if no one had kids, there would be no more people to love, no more people to hate or even art to enjoy. Those of us that aren't social retards need to have kids to try and maintain some kind of balance on this rock of a planet. And for this reason we must get (or stay) healthy and show the children that fun can be had but not at the expense of our health.

I guess this entry was a pretty major blabbering about a bunch of things, but whether or not anyone is reading it....I sure am having fun writing it.

If you don't like the weather in Texas...wait 5 mins, it'll change!

I've heard that phrase in a few places that we've lived, 'if you don't like the weather...wait 5 mins and it will change'. Well this week sure was one of those, and as far as SAHD duties, it really messes up the 'what toddler must wear' dilemma.

One day its sunny and warm, short sleeves, sweat on brow, then the next there is a dusting of snow on the ground. Only to be followed up the next day with more sun and in fact sunburn! Not nice, but at least it was on me and not Kasia.

I have taken this new weather to get a break from the rigors of parenting and head out on the trails for some mountain bike riding. I did around 24 miles today and it really gave me some time to process and think. I don't think that I have really taken the time to appreciate the experience of raising a child. Amongst all the crying and the tantrems there is a whole heap of time that you are just hanging out with a really cool little person. Kasia is really starting to put her 'personality' into gear. She is still the same challenging tike but she is complementing that with moments of comic genius. I wish I could list some of her funnier moments but as with all kids you really have to see it or hear it to appreciate the timing!

Anyway no big news right now, just lots of mental gymnastics in regards to our future plans. Its really nice though to be happy(ish) where you are and just spend time planning the next adventure. I always say to Hilery that I really want to add to my imaginary autobiography. I think of my life in terms of chapters and I just really want to concentrate on making the next one a good and worthwhile read. Each of us should at least strive to move forward, that doesn't have to be some huge dramatic change but we could all use a dose of reality due to the fact that most of us have become way to comfortable in life. I see it everywhere I go: must stay in this house because it has great schools, must not change job I hate because it pays well, must not devote my life to anything more because I might fail.

I have to move on and make myself better. Kasia is showing me this in the most innocent of ways. Whatever I do she copies, whatever I say she repeats (not always a good thing) and wherever I go she goes....I have to make it worthwhile for her sake, if not mine own.

The grass is never greener...well maybe it is!

These four walls feel like a prison sometimes...no matter how many playgrounds you go to, no matter how many times you go to the zoo, no matter how many story times you attend, these four walls seem to get taller and taller.

I was talking to Hil this morning about how she has to remember that no matter how horrible her job can be it could be worse...she could be stuck at home. Then in the next moment I thought to myself, no matter how bad being stuck at home can be...it could be worse, I could have to go to work!

I'm trying to be a more positive person. I was reading an article the other day on how 'easy' it is to be cynical. Seeing only the negative is a really quick way to protect oneself from mistakes. If you trust in actions or ideals you could be wrong! It could end up that you tried and failed....well guess what, its OK to fail. I knew this before (obviously) but never really believed it. Experiencing Kasias first years has shown me that the start she gets will significantly impact her view on the world, will she succeed in life? Who knows? But I want to give her a positive outlook, something I have been lacking for many years.

I am even trying to put this new positive attitude towards some personal pet peeves that I have. I happen to have a well documented hatred of people chewing food with their mouths open. Now, I am acutely aware of the fact that this is rude and socially unpleasant for most people but my reaction to it is WAY off! I would quite literally stab someone for doing it! I despise the sound it makes and really everything about it makes me want to puke. Having said this, I am trying to be better. I put this new found acceptance down to being a parent. All kids seem to have the uncanny ability to annoy their parents, Kasia is no different. When she drinks she guzzles and guzzles until its gone and then spends the next twenty minutes hiccuping and burping because she drank too fast, this isn't the most annoying part for me. The worse bit is the sippy cup curse! The cups have this high pitched squeal sound that comes out of the lid when the drink is being consumed....this drives me nuts! I literally sweat when shes drinking, I clench my fists and have a full mental break down over this noise. I say this now, but I control it. I just sweat my way through and pray that it passes quickly. Mind you that doesn't excuse adults from learning how to eat and drink....sort it out people!!

OK, rant over. Yet again, a blog entry full of random nothingness. Off to story time soon, yay...another hour of being ignored by over protective mothers. Yippee....

Swings and roundabouts....

As far as bone fide English sayings go, this one ranks pretty high I think. Swings and roundabouts, fate swinging and swaying and diverting the course of what for the longest time seems to be 'the way it is!'

Allow me to explain. For two years now I have been routinely beating myself about the head with an imaginary piece of wood with a stonking great big nail in the end of it. Why? Because I constantly felt like I was doing a piss poor job of being a Dad. Every time I would try and be the parent to Kasia she would basically run straight to Hilery. Can't blame her really, its just at times it was hard to swallow because when it was just Kasia and I together, she had to go to me (she had no choice). When you put so much effort in and get nothing but rejection back it gets hard to push through. Then about 3 or 4 months ago something weird happened.

At this point I want to say to my beautiful wife that I am talking about this purely from a SAHD point of view, with no assumptions as to your role in any of this. What has basically happened is that Kasia has, for lack of a better turn of phrase 'started to punish' Hilery. When the three of us are at home, Kasia constantly nags at her Mum and refuses to let her sit, eat or just be. No sooner is Hilery back at work that Kasia goes back to a more independent (albeit challenging) little girl. I use the term 'punish' because it seems like Kasia wants constant attention from her Mum whilst she is at home as some kind of retaliation to the fact that Hil has to go out to work.

I am certainly not an expert on the subject, and it seems like all these phases run their course in due time but it is hard to watch Hil feel like she is somehow doing it 'wrong' because she couldn't be a better mother or wife if she tried! I look back to my first year with Kasia and I see in Hil the things I saw in myself; the self doubt, the frustration and quite frankly the parental depression that most of us go through.

But as I said at the beginning, its all swings and roundabouts! No sooner has it started then it is finished and I hope thats true in this situation.

Thinking out loud....

I said at the beginning of this blog that I wouldn't use it to spout on about politics or the rights and wrongs of the world and that I would stick to subjects pertaining directly to my life as a SAHD. The problem is that to understand something, we must first dissect it, so this is what I have been doing...kinda.

Now my subject for this dissection wasn't some hapless frog or whining feline (yeah I dissected at cat at college, weird!) it was, or is, the fact that I live in what is universally known as the 'Bible Belt'. Now for those of you that don't already know what the Bible Belt is: its an informal term for an area of the United States in which socially conservative evangelical Protestantism is a dominant part of the culture and Christian church attendance across the denominations is extremely high. Thanks wiki world! Now without better judgement I freely moved to this part of the country without really taking in to account all that this would entail. Of course, in Texas there are some of the nicest people I have ever met, and in fact life here is pretty awesome. The only thing is, I always feel like a fish out of water.

First off, I do not attend church. Second I have lots of tattoos. And third (perhaps the most controversial) I am a Stay-At-Home Dad. The first two of these are probably what make the third all the more difficult to swallow, but there you go. I did, however, think that I had an 'in'. I thought that being a smelly metal head, I would at least blend in with the Confederate Flag waving masses....alas I did not. Because even to the redneck population I am nothing more than a tea sipping, Queen adoring, Limey. This basically puts me in the 'nowhere' category. I can't find my niche, and worst of all, I'm not sure I ever really had one!

This blog entry has basically come from reading a book called: 'When Men Win Glory-the Odyssey of Pat Tillman'. Again, for those of you that don't know, Pat Tillman was a college football star who turned pro and was poised to become one of the best safeties in the NFL. However after the events of Sept 11 2001, he decided to enlist in the Army. But not just any faction of the Army, the Rangers (ever seen Black Hawk Down), an elite special forces unit with a relatively high mortality rate. Well, during his service in Afghanistan, he was shot and killed. This whole situation made worse because a.) he turned down a 3.6 million dollar contract when he enlisted b.) he was famous and his service was always going to be all over the news and finally c.) he was killed by friendly fire. Now the fact that he was killed by fratricide was really crappy but anyone who has served in the military knows that this happens (a lot!), the real vexation with this was that the Army lied about it. They used his death to cover up a lot of crap that was going on at the time. The government needed an American hero, so the Army gave them one.

Having read this book it came to my mind that Pat was an amazing person. His journal excerpts in the book showed how he was a thinker, a social activist and a family man. The problem with him in the eyes of the Army and the US government was the he was basically an Atheist. He believed in the now, he did not subscribe to an ideology based around ancient fables. He wanted to be the best person he could with the life he had, but couldn't accept the control of one omnipotent being. This was an issue after his death. The Army high ranking officers believed that his family were unable to 'handle' his death because in the Tillman's world 'when you die you are just worm dirt', the officer was suggesting that because they did not subscribe to his beliefs that their grief was somehow misplaced, that Pats life was in someway 'empty' because he was not a Christian.

It turns out that Pat had read the Bible, and the Koran, and the Odyssey, and the Iliad, and the Theravada, and Tantras etc etc. So I would not describe Pat as an Atheist. I would describe him as a man, who was Gnostic in his learnings. Why is it that Religions are 100% convinced that they have the 'right answers', why do they label the non-believer and people who question as automatically Atheists without ever engaging in intellectual conversation with them? I for one, don't know.

This is a whole huge, long winded way of saying that I have no idea how we are going to raise Kasia in regards to spiritualism, Hilery is a Christian, I am basically confused! So who knows. What I do know is that the longer I live in this 'Bible Belt' the more I understand world history. I see now why the people of the middle ages deemed a Crusade necessary. I see now why it is easier to live in a world of 'good/bad' instead of the always confusing grey area of understanding. I hope that I can give Kasia the tools to find out for herself what life is about, but more than that I hope that she realizes that having a loving family is a good bloody start...no matter what world view you end up with.

What a manly man!

As for doing manly things; ie. hunting, fishing, mechanics, I do pretty much none of them. This doesn't help my 'Mr Mom' occupational styling! I always want to come across as a man even though I have a distinctly feminine job. Thats why I took on the most manly of chores yesterday. I did some basic maintenance on the car. Oh yes, I changed the oil, I replaced the oil and air filters and I even took on the task of changing the front brake pads! Now the last of these tasks I would not tackle blind so I enlisted the help of my Russian friend. He is basically a source of knowledge on pretty much anything and when it comes to cars, he knows it all.

So after a couple of hours my hands were dirtied and even my jeans have oil stains, I fought back and regained some 'man' points. Maybe next week I will shoot something, fry it, then devour. Who knows??