Swings and roundabouts....

As far as bone fide English sayings go, this one ranks pretty high I think. Swings and roundabouts, fate swinging and swaying and diverting the course of what for the longest time seems to be 'the way it is!'

Allow me to explain. For two years now I have been routinely beating myself about the head with an imaginary piece of wood with a stonking great big nail in the end of it. Why? Because I constantly felt like I was doing a piss poor job of being a Dad. Every time I would try and be the parent to Kasia she would basically run straight to Hilery. Can't blame her really, its just at times it was hard to swallow because when it was just Kasia and I together, she had to go to me (she had no choice). When you put so much effort in and get nothing but rejection back it gets hard to push through. Then about 3 or 4 months ago something weird happened.

At this point I want to say to my beautiful wife that I am talking about this purely from a SAHD point of view, with no assumptions as to your role in any of this. What has basically happened is that Kasia has, for lack of a better turn of phrase 'started to punish' Hilery. When the three of us are at home, Kasia constantly nags at her Mum and refuses to let her sit, eat or just be. No sooner is Hilery back at work that Kasia goes back to a more independent (albeit challenging) little girl. I use the term 'punish' because it seems like Kasia wants constant attention from her Mum whilst she is at home as some kind of retaliation to the fact that Hil has to go out to work.

I am certainly not an expert on the subject, and it seems like all these phases run their course in due time but it is hard to watch Hil feel like she is somehow doing it 'wrong' because she couldn't be a better mother or wife if she tried! I look back to my first year with Kasia and I see in Hil the things I saw in myself; the self doubt, the frustration and quite frankly the parental depression that most of us go through.

But as I said at the beginning, its all swings and roundabouts! No sooner has it started then it is finished and I hope thats true in this situation.