If pain is weakness leaving the body then I should be empty by now...

Its been about three years now and I suppose in those three years I have only just begun to accept that physicality, in every sense, is an inconvenience. Since my earliest memories I have 'struggled' with my weight and body image. I'm not sure if in the early years I fully understood what it meant to be classed by physical size but I'm damn sure that I always felt a little different.

I was always the 'big' kid and that slowly gave way to being the 'fat' kid. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't picked on in the traditional sense. Mainly because I was bigger that most, if not all, the other kids. But I was always aware that I was somehow different. I distinctly remember the days in science class when us students would be forced to 'weigh-in' to gauge the class average weight. That was a fun day.

For sure I'm not going to write this with my heart bleeding onto the page but I will apply my experiences growing up to how I parent Kasia, I have to! Its all I have....

I cannot allow Kasia to experience the teasing. I will not allow her to go through the unnecessary taunting. I should not allow her to get to that point in the first place. How will I stop this? Well frankly, by being a good role model. I can't sit around eating chips and drinking beer all day (as much as I want to), I instead must show her what life can be like and simply hope and pray that if I don't show her the alternative (at least not from Hilery or I) I may then be able to prevent the teenage contamination from ever happening.

I have currently lost about 80 lbs (just over 6 stone)in weight but more than that I have been able to change the course of my life, and I hope Kasias.There has, however, been a slight glitch in my master plan. Three years ago I began to suffer some joint pain. Now the fact that I was regularly doing Judo and was carrying around almost 330 lbs was enough to convince me that that was all it was, being too fat. Until I went to my Dermatologist, I went for a routine skin analysis thing (as I have always suffered from mild Psoriasis) but during this meeting I mentioned the pain. From this appointment things changed a tad.

Over this past year I have been referred to a Rheumatologist because I have a condition called Psoriatic Arthropathy which is basically a form of Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is an autoimmune disease which characterizes itself in the form of joint and muscle pain. Fun huh? Well the reason I bring it up is two-fold: one reason is that I really, sincerely hope that Kasia has not inherited this condition (as it is genetic) and the second reason is that just because these diseases plague our lives it is in no way a reason not to change for the better, both physically and mentally.

I have a condition that in extreme cases can leave you in a wheelchair, it's a condition that is relatively unresearched and such, has little treatment available. I am resigned to the fact that I must self inject twice a week and take a series of other pills to dampen or subdue the symptoms. It makes being a SAHD a little tougher but there are so many people out there struggling in such a grave fashion that it really only makes me appreciate what I have all the more. But it did make me see how important our controllable health factors are. By 'controllable' I mean; the food we eat, the intentional exercise we do and the malevolence we abstain from. Being fat is no good. I know thats not very 'PC' but its plainly obvious. Almost all obseity related illness is preventable, its not a life sentence but I think we, as society, are treating as such.

Our kids need us as parents, they don't need us as friends or as teachers, those roles are only part of being a Mum or Dad. I think we need to remember why we had kids, it definitely wasn't to simplify our lives. It was hopefully through love and a need to pass that love on through our kids. I have been asked by friends of mine, 'why have kids?', 'the world is a cesspit and full of cretins!' Well, I love my friends, I love my family so if no one had kids, there would be no more people to love, no more people to hate or even art to enjoy. Those of us that aren't social retards need to have kids to try and maintain some kind of balance on this rock of a planet. And for this reason we must get (or stay) healthy and show the children that fun can be had but not at the expense of our health.

I guess this entry was a pretty major blabbering about a bunch of things, but whether or not anyone is reading it....I sure am having fun writing it.