I always seem to struggle with what some may call 'completion'. I tend to start things and then invariably stop them dead. I have these manic phases where I am determined to push forward and accept every aspect of the challenge. Then I fall into that dark place. A place where I just cannot seem to function, the only way to describe the feeling is, well.....desolation.
Now I am fully aware how this sounds, oh man he's off again the miserable bastard! Well I am coming to terms with that. I am, it seems, somewhat of a melancholy person and it brings me to a point that I'm still not sure I should elaborated on. However in the spirit of truth I think I will just stop writing this blog.
Determined not to air my dirty laundry in a blog of all things I think it is best that I stop writing. I have really enjoyed this experience and have received some amazingly positive responses. Here is the problem, its all bollocks. I have genuinely meant every word that I have written in these twenty odd entries but I feel that the most important aspects of my purpose have been ignored. If I'm honest, I am the one that has ignored them. When I read back on these blog entries it is as if I am reading someone else's words. I wish that I felt differently about it but I don't.
I will continue to write, probably in the form of a book and when that book surfaces it will not read like this blog. I wish to write with a level of honesty that I am not yet ready to do. I wish to write without the constraints of my own awareness. I want to write and for people to read my 'real' words. I hope to write in such a way that people will read 'me' as well as the drivel that the pen creates. Self-censorship is a curse to the open mind and I certainly do not speak in the manner in which I have written this blog. That is one of the major reasons I have to change my approach.
I realise that this is not award winning literature but anything that is posted online is 'out there' in the world for all to read. And one of my biggest fears is that Kasia may one day read the things I write...then turn to me and say "well that doesn't sound like you".
I am going to try and be 'real' again for my family and for me.....so on that note..fuck all this blogging bollox, thank you and goodnight.
You are very talented as a writer, even if you don't feel like it's genuine. I've been impressed and honored to read your blogs. I hope you really do continue to write because you've accomplished some remarkable things, you have a great way of story telling, and your family is beautiful. Take care, Cousin (in law)
ReplyDeleteThere's an inspirational quality to this post that I needed to read. Thanks.
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