Everything Dies....

Morbid, depressing, melancholic, sad, bleak, dispiriting.....

All descriptions of the music produced by the monstrous band that was/is Type O Negative. The singer of this band, Peter Steele, died April 14th of this year, he was 48 years old. Now the reason I'm mentioning it (aside from the fact that I have listened to his music for the better part of my life) is because I have been asked recently whether or not I would 'allow' Kasia to listen to 'heavy metal'. My answer, of course, is yes I will 'allow' her to. However upon reflection what I should say is that it is her choice what she listens to and the idea of allowance is irrelevant. I understand that as parents we must keep an eye on what our children are exposed to but I truly believe in the organic growth of a child. In teaching them how to respond to art we are only forcing their hand. I think it is so important to encourage an appreciation for all facets of humanity, not just the positive aspects.

Heavy metal has a notorious reputation for negativity. But in reality it is simply an art form that discusses the darker side of life. It does not negate the positive, it just highlights the 'unspoken' human emotions. Its not the only art form that is focussed on the macabre. Most, if not all, religious art is centered around tragedy. I think its something that we are all interested in, just think about watching the news! In regards to raising kids though it gets a little complicated for me. I would love for Kasia to share my appreciation for certain art forms but I know that she will undoubtably rebel against whatever it is that I like! She has to, its just part of growing up but I hope that she will understand my near obsession with 'dark' music and art.

Kasia already displays her distinct personality and as challenging as it can be, I love it. Driving home the other day from the store we had no music on in the car. Hil and I were just chatting when from the back this little voice said "guitar....drums?" she wanted to listen to her favourite band...Down! I was so proud, my little two year old wanted to listen to some rock and roll.

With the passing of another of my rock idols I am starting to appreciate my new lifestyle even more. Peter Steele was a habitual drug and alcohol abuser and in the last six months or so had really started to clean up his life. Unfortunately it was too late, his life choices had caught up with his evident mortality. I can only hope that he enjoyed his habitual past times but I fear, in the end, he was regretting them. Maybe these stories of excess and eventual demise will be a grave lesson to us all and of course to the newest generation.....moderation my friends, everything in moderation!

I learnt a new word....bidialectalism!

It's a crazy word and one which I have come across in the last month or so. Bidialectalism means that one uses and understands two dialects within the same language, the argument here is whether or not American English and English are in fact the same language.

From my experience these two 'languages' are very different. It's not only in the words used but the inflection of pronunciation and even the syntax seems to follow a different pattern. I'm jabbering on about this because over the last five years or so I have become bidialectal and it seems that Kasia is already able to change the words she uses depending on the situation. For example, in English we use the word 'Nappy' to describe the material positioned to catch the pee and/or poo. In American English the word used is 'Diaper'. Now this seems like a relatively simple distinction to us adults but I will tell you now that English people (because of American media) have a much better understanding of American words than the Americans do of English words or turns of phrase. However my point is that Kasia knows when to used these two completely different words. At her Mothers Day Out (play school) group on a Friday morning she uses the word 'Diaper' to ask for it to be changed but when she comes home, she instantly changes and uses the word 'Nappy'....pretty good for a two year old I think.

It's almost common knowledge that children pick up second languages very quickly compared to adults or even teenagers but I'm not sure we realise how well kids can distinguish between dialects as well. The nappy example is one of many that Kasia can now use, she even changes nursery rhymes whilst speaking to her Grandparents on Skype. She seems to understand that in order to be understood she has to use a code that her audience will be able to understand.

A mere sideline to this idea of English/American language is English/American relations. I'm not sure why it is so apparent but the divide is a really interesting one. I liken it to somebody having a younger brother. The older sibling (England) is a little envious of the younger (America) because the younger one seems to have all the best stuff! Every time I read the comments on English news sites about events here in the US the public views are always things like: 'Typical arrogant Americans' or 'Well, thats to be expected of those fat yanks', a constant stream of petty jibes directed at the American culture. Now I am proud to be English and I will definitely raise Kasia to be aware of her inherited culture but if I had to pick somewhere for us to live I would choose the US any day! It has problems, it has issues but ultimately there is more opportunity here.

Writing this blog sometimes makes me feel like a prize prat, but it definitely helps me categorize and identify with the people and the things around me. I hope that everyone is able to take the time to analyze their own life story and make the next chapter one that they themselves would be interested to read.

My first Half Marathon...done!

About four years ago I spoke to a work colleague about the fact that I wanted to take part in a 5K race. That colleague has become one of my closest friends and someone who is equal parts talented as he is crazy! I was saying this to him because he was/is an endurance athlete who excels in running, cycling, mountaineering, skeleton (yep sliding down ice), rugby...this list goes on an on. He was always planning amazing trips with his brother and I basically wanted to do my small version of physical experimentation. Well, the years passed and I still hadn't done the 5K. I was too fat, too 'busy' and frankly too lazy.

With my new found lease on life and with a drive to be a positive role model for Kasia I eventually did the 5K race. It was a lot of fun, ironically, but it was just a taste of what I have now found my self experiencing. Today I completed my first Half Marathon. I ran a distance of 13.1 miles in about 2 hours and 14 mins. This I did with my friend at my side. I don't think he was planning to have a behemoth in his wake but I tagged along and ran with him and his brother-in-law. The guys graciously allowed me to run the whole distance with them and it was just a fantastic experience. Each time I felt the urge to stop, there they were, pounding that road and making me find another gear.

Needless to say I am pretty darn proud of myself. Even though my legs have officially ceased to be a part of my body for the next couple of days, it was all worth it. My friend pushes me to push myself. He regularly climbs mountains, rides crazy distances on a bike and takes part in Ultra Marathons but he still has the time to help out a guy on his first steps to an unknown destination.

I'm blessed really because right now, Hilery is on another charge. Not only did she recently win her age group division at the Fort Worth 5K, she has a new found passion for Triathlons. She will compete in another one soon and she is just an absolute monster! A mum, a nurse, an athlete....so many things and she gets little in the way of thanks. I wish I could complement her achievements in a more elaborate way, but currently helping to raise our little munchkin is all I can offer.

We are trying to provide Kasia with a success rich environment, without ignoring the need for failure. I say 'need' because we must all fail in order to triumph over it. Failure makes us better people and ultimately better parents. It is all in the manner in which we succeed or fail which defines us. I keep trying things and let me tell you...its really hard sometimes. But I remember how lucky I am in a million different ways.

Next stop is maybe another Half Marathon but ultimately a full 26.2 mile Marathon. I will be entering the ballot for the 2011 London Marathon and I hope I can get a place. If I can I hope that my friends and family with be willing to shout encouragement (or abuse I don't care!) along the way. Lets hope it all works out.

Run Forrest Run....

I never understood the need that many people on this planet hold. The need to run. I hate running, well I guess thats not entirely true, I dislike running. I can understand the need for humans to run, for example to get food or perhaps to evade and enemy but to run for fun......no surely not.

This has changed as of late due to my new found interest, physical endurance. We are all created equal yet different in my opinion. To illustrate this forgive my swift analogy: my friend Greg bravely and speedily chases down a gazelle, he chases it for ten hours until the beast collapses from exhaustion. At this point he kills it and then comes my job. Due to my physicality, I must drag this stinking rotting carcass back to the village. We both have our roles to play using our own stature to complete the task as best we can.

I realise at this point that this is a crap analogy but my point is, we are not all designed to run marathons or compete in the Olympics. However we are all born with an ability to push ourselves beyond what we once may have thought impossible. For this reason I am going to attempt to run a marathon.

This challenge will begin in a week or so when I compete in a Half Marathon and use it as a training aid for the full in a few months. The training for this has been steady and in many ways enjoyable. I even completed a ten mile run this pass week in preparation for the race. At this point I will feebly attempt to align this with my SAHD theme. I really see all this physical training as positive role modelling for Kasia. She seems to really get a kick out of when Mummy and Daddy go for a run (albeit at different times). She helps us get ready, she even pretends to stretch sometimes, it is amazingly cute and fulfilling to watch.

I wish that Kasia was already old enough to take part in these events with me but I will not wish my life away anymore. I have pledged to live my life in chapters and this next one might just be the 'hardest' yet. But as Don Miller says, 'the point is not necessarily to win at the end of the story, just have the strength to make it through.'

If pain is weakness leaving the body then I should be empty by now...

Its been about three years now and I suppose in those three years I have only just begun to accept that physicality, in every sense, is an inconvenience. Since my earliest memories I have 'struggled' with my weight and body image. I'm not sure if in the early years I fully understood what it meant to be classed by physical size but I'm damn sure that I always felt a little different.

I was always the 'big' kid and that slowly gave way to being the 'fat' kid. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't picked on in the traditional sense. Mainly because I was bigger that most, if not all, the other kids. But I was always aware that I was somehow different. I distinctly remember the days in science class when us students would be forced to 'weigh-in' to gauge the class average weight. That was a fun day.

For sure I'm not going to write this with my heart bleeding onto the page but I will apply my experiences growing up to how I parent Kasia, I have to! Its all I have....

I cannot allow Kasia to experience the teasing. I will not allow her to go through the unnecessary taunting. I should not allow her to get to that point in the first place. How will I stop this? Well frankly, by being a good role model. I can't sit around eating chips and drinking beer all day (as much as I want to), I instead must show her what life can be like and simply hope and pray that if I don't show her the alternative (at least not from Hilery or I) I may then be able to prevent the teenage contamination from ever happening.

I have currently lost about 80 lbs (just over 6 stone)in weight but more than that I have been able to change the course of my life, and I hope Kasias.There has, however, been a slight glitch in my master plan. Three years ago I began to suffer some joint pain. Now the fact that I was regularly doing Judo and was carrying around almost 330 lbs was enough to convince me that that was all it was, being too fat. Until I went to my Dermatologist, I went for a routine skin analysis thing (as I have always suffered from mild Psoriasis) but during this meeting I mentioned the pain. From this appointment things changed a tad.

Over this past year I have been referred to a Rheumatologist because I have a condition called Psoriatic Arthropathy which is basically a form of Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is an autoimmune disease which characterizes itself in the form of joint and muscle pain. Fun huh? Well the reason I bring it up is two-fold: one reason is that I really, sincerely hope that Kasia has not inherited this condition (as it is genetic) and the second reason is that just because these diseases plague our lives it is in no way a reason not to change for the better, both physically and mentally.

I have a condition that in extreme cases can leave you in a wheelchair, it's a condition that is relatively unresearched and such, has little treatment available. I am resigned to the fact that I must self inject twice a week and take a series of other pills to dampen or subdue the symptoms. It makes being a SAHD a little tougher but there are so many people out there struggling in such a grave fashion that it really only makes me appreciate what I have all the more. But it did make me see how important our controllable health factors are. By 'controllable' I mean; the food we eat, the intentional exercise we do and the malevolence we abstain from. Being fat is no good. I know thats not very 'PC' but its plainly obvious. Almost all obseity related illness is preventable, its not a life sentence but I think we, as society, are treating as such.

Our kids need us as parents, they don't need us as friends or as teachers, those roles are only part of being a Mum or Dad. I think we need to remember why we had kids, it definitely wasn't to simplify our lives. It was hopefully through love and a need to pass that love on through our kids. I have been asked by friends of mine, 'why have kids?', 'the world is a cesspit and full of cretins!' Well, I love my friends, I love my family so if no one had kids, there would be no more people to love, no more people to hate or even art to enjoy. Those of us that aren't social retards need to have kids to try and maintain some kind of balance on this rock of a planet. And for this reason we must get (or stay) healthy and show the children that fun can be had but not at the expense of our health.

I guess this entry was a pretty major blabbering about a bunch of things, but whether or not anyone is reading it....I sure am having fun writing it.

If you don't like the weather in Texas...wait 5 mins, it'll change!

I've heard that phrase in a few places that we've lived, 'if you don't like the weather...wait 5 mins and it will change'. Well this week sure was one of those, and as far as SAHD duties, it really messes up the 'what toddler must wear' dilemma.

One day its sunny and warm, short sleeves, sweat on brow, then the next there is a dusting of snow on the ground. Only to be followed up the next day with more sun and in fact sunburn! Not nice, but at least it was on me and not Kasia.

I have taken this new weather to get a break from the rigors of parenting and head out on the trails for some mountain bike riding. I did around 24 miles today and it really gave me some time to process and think. I don't think that I have really taken the time to appreciate the experience of raising a child. Amongst all the crying and the tantrems there is a whole heap of time that you are just hanging out with a really cool little person. Kasia is really starting to put her 'personality' into gear. She is still the same challenging tike but she is complementing that with moments of comic genius. I wish I could list some of her funnier moments but as with all kids you really have to see it or hear it to appreciate the timing!

Anyway no big news right now, just lots of mental gymnastics in regards to our future plans. Its really nice though to be happy(ish) where you are and just spend time planning the next adventure. I always say to Hilery that I really want to add to my imaginary autobiography. I think of my life in terms of chapters and I just really want to concentrate on making the next one a good and worthwhile read. Each of us should at least strive to move forward, that doesn't have to be some huge dramatic change but we could all use a dose of reality due to the fact that most of us have become way to comfortable in life. I see it everywhere I go: must stay in this house because it has great schools, must not change job I hate because it pays well, must not devote my life to anything more because I might fail.

I have to move on and make myself better. Kasia is showing me this in the most innocent of ways. Whatever I do she copies, whatever I say she repeats (not always a good thing) and wherever I go she goes....I have to make it worthwhile for her sake, if not mine own.

The grass is never greener...well maybe it is!

These four walls feel like a prison sometimes...no matter how many playgrounds you go to, no matter how many times you go to the zoo, no matter how many story times you attend, these four walls seem to get taller and taller.

I was talking to Hil this morning about how she has to remember that no matter how horrible her job can be it could be worse...she could be stuck at home. Then in the next moment I thought to myself, no matter how bad being stuck at home can be...it could be worse, I could have to go to work!

I'm trying to be a more positive person. I was reading an article the other day on how 'easy' it is to be cynical. Seeing only the negative is a really quick way to protect oneself from mistakes. If you trust in actions or ideals you could be wrong! It could end up that you tried and failed....well guess what, its OK to fail. I knew this before (obviously) but never really believed it. Experiencing Kasias first years has shown me that the start she gets will significantly impact her view on the world, will she succeed in life? Who knows? But I want to give her a positive outlook, something I have been lacking for many years.

I am even trying to put this new positive attitude towards some personal pet peeves that I have. I happen to have a well documented hatred of people chewing food with their mouths open. Now, I am acutely aware of the fact that this is rude and socially unpleasant for most people but my reaction to it is WAY off! I would quite literally stab someone for doing it! I despise the sound it makes and really everything about it makes me want to puke. Having said this, I am trying to be better. I put this new found acceptance down to being a parent. All kids seem to have the uncanny ability to annoy their parents, Kasia is no different. When she drinks she guzzles and guzzles until its gone and then spends the next twenty minutes hiccuping and burping because she drank too fast, this isn't the most annoying part for me. The worse bit is the sippy cup curse! The cups have this high pitched squeal sound that comes out of the lid when the drink is being consumed....this drives me nuts! I literally sweat when shes drinking, I clench my fists and have a full mental break down over this noise. I say this now, but I control it. I just sweat my way through and pray that it passes quickly. Mind you that doesn't excuse adults from learning how to eat and drink....sort it out people!!

OK, rant over. Yet again, a blog entry full of random nothingness. Off to story time soon, yay...another hour of being ignored by over protective mothers. Yippee....