I'm back!

So it finally happened! I have decided to restart my ever so popular blog...shuddering with embarrassent. Basically, I was sitting in a Medieval England class at UCCS and due to intense boredom found a link to my old blog (this blog). So entertaining was it to re-read the experiences of my family back a few years ago that I have decided to rev up the old blog brain again. I just read my last blog (before the restart) and I could see that I was just really tired, tired in so many ways. Being a SAHD (Stay At Home Dad) has changed drastically in the last 5 years. Kasia has just turned 5 years old and has become the most amazing little girl I have ever met. She is funny, crazy, cranky, beautiful, gracious, smart etc etc etc...I could seriously go on forever about how amazing my darling daughter is. But more than that my gorgeous wife has gone from amazing to absolutely frikking ridiculous!! Hil is now a Captain in the US Air Force, and has just recently completed a half-ironman, such an amazing women...it doesn't even bear thinking about. So, I will attempt to get to writing and hope that it works out.

That dark place....

I always seem to struggle with what some may call 'completion'. I tend to start things and then invariably stop them dead. I have these manic phases where I am determined to push forward and accept every aspect of the challenge. Then I fall into that dark place. A place where I just cannot seem to function, the only way to describe the feeling is, well.....desolation.

Now I am fully aware how this sounds, oh man he's off again the miserable bastard! Well I am coming to terms with that. I am, it seems, somewhat of a melancholy person and it brings me to a point that I'm still not sure I should elaborated on. However in the spirit of truth I think I will just stop writing this blog.

Determined not to air my dirty laundry in a blog of all things I think it is best that I stop writing. I have really enjoyed this experience and have received some amazingly positive responses. Here is the problem, its all bollocks. I have genuinely meant every word that I have written in these twenty odd entries but I feel that the most important aspects of my purpose have been ignored. If I'm honest, I am the one that has ignored them. When I read back on these blog entries it is as if I am reading someone else's words. I wish that I felt differently about it but I don't.

I will continue to write, probably in the form of a book and when that book surfaces it will not read like this blog. I wish to write with a level of honesty that I am not yet ready to do. I wish to write without the constraints of my own awareness. I want to write and for people to read my 'real' words. I hope to write in such a way that people will read 'me' as well as the drivel that the pen creates. Self-censorship is a curse to the open mind and I certainly do not speak in the manner in which I have written this blog. That is one of the major reasons I have to change my approach.

I realise that this is not award winning literature but anything that is posted online is 'out there' in the world for all to read. And one of my biggest fears is that Kasia may one day read the things I write...then turn to me and say "well that doesn't sound like you".

I am going to try and be 'real' again for my family and for me.....so on that note..fuck all this blogging bollox, thank you and goodnight.

Truth....is it that important?

I try to write about one or two blog entries per week. The problem is that although I always seem to have something to say about pretty much everything, I am struggling with self-censorship. As I think I mentioned previously, I have an amazingly big mouth without much in the way of control attached to it. If I see or experience something I either like or dislike I immediately feel the drive to put my opinion into the fray. I honestly wish that I could hold these impulses back but I fear they are an integral part of my identity.

Nothing in particular has happened this week yet I feel this overwhelming sense of annoyance and in part bitterness. Maybe it is 'because' we are leaving soon or maybe it is in some way pushing me to 'enjoy' leaving. I have never had an easy time finding friends here in America (let alone Texas!) and I really think that may be rooted in my expectations. I always seem to need the people around me to at least have a similar sense of humour or admiration for varying types of entertainment, alas here I have very, very few comrades. Even when a group forms and stories are told, mine always seem to be a little 'different' than the rest.

There are many things I would like to write about but most of which I will refrain. I wish I could write about my Stag day in the run up to my wedding. I wish I could talk about my teenage years and the wayward direction I was aiming in but I won't. Not here. Some of the stories I think are kinda funny, some are crazy and some are...well...boring.

I know I always move onto the raising of Kasia and this blog is no different. I'm not sure whether or not to tell her of my adolescence in a completely honest way. I mean, I want to but there are things I have done that I try not to admit to myself let alone anyone else and especially not my child to whom I am a major role model. I fear that when she reaches an age of understanding she may throw my experiences back at me as some kind of justification for bad behaviour. Again, who knows? Maybe I should write with %100 percent honesty with no regards to future plans, or just maybe I should let the past stay there and just pick out the bits that won't upset anybody.

It just occurred to me that the semblance of fear is something which has never stopped me before and perhaps the fear of honesty is the worst fear of all. Without an honest perspective we grow into fractured people, people who put on the mask of acceptance without ever once striving for truth. We are not born broken and I for one believe that without honesty, we will never learn from each other. Without honesty we will never piece togther our own crippled lives and without honesty how can we ever expect anyone to trust us...especially our kids.

Cross into the Blue......

OK, so it has finally happened! It has taken almost an entire year but as of Wednesday May 5th 2010, my wife Hilery Mulholland, is now a First Lieutenant in the United States Air Force. It's a little crazy I guess but I could not be more proud of her. She is the kind of person that is in constant need of a challenge. Whether that challenge is academic, career based or physical, Hilery just loves to push herself above and beyond what most can/will do.

This whole thing started years ago in point of fact. Hil was interested in the opportunities that the USAF could provide in terms of career progression and travel. Things happened and life just kept cruising along but we have recently found ourselves as a family in need of something new. That something is the military. Initially I was going to go into the Army but without much deliberation I have been deemed ineligible due to medical conditions (PA). I suppose that fate stepped in because as a soldier of low rank I would have been gone overseas 80% of the time and earning next to nothing in wages. For Hilery it is an entirely different ball game. Although she may/will be deployed, the deployment averages around four months (Army is fifteen!) and the lifestyle in the USAF is very, very comfortable.

I wish I could find a way to explain why this is a good move for us, but I just don't have the words. The military is not for everybody, and Hil isn't doing it to be a hero! She desperately doesn't want to leave us for huge chunks of time but it is the nature of the job and we hope that the benefits out way that sacrifice.

Hilery will go to COT (Commissioned Officer Training) in Montgomery Alabama for 32 days starting June 28th. So unfortunately I will be on my lonesome! Hopefully my parents will be visiting for some of the time but if anyone wants to drop by and help out...the door is open! After the month of training we will report to Hilery's first duty station, it is Peterson AFB in Colorado Springs, Colorado. We will be stationed there for approximately three years and then who knows? I can only hope that the move to CO will attract some visitors for the ski season.....fingers crossed.

Many people have put forward a less than chirpy response to Hil having to go away for large periods of time and I understand, I really do. But what people seem to forget is that there are many jobs in the civilian world when working away from home is a necessity. Yet no one sheds as much negativity as when it is due to the military. As I said, it is understandable but we currently live in a secluded bubble with no family and very few friends...we hope the USAF will become our new family and we look forward to crossing into the blue! (man that was cheesy, but I liked it!)

I wanna...must hava!

Thats what my Dad calls me. I wish I could say that it doesn't bother me but I guess it does because it has followed me all the way into adulthood. The funniest part is that I've never had luxuries, well I mean no 'real' luxuries. I understand that what constitutes luxuries to one person doesn't necessarily to another, but as a general rule...I wouldn't say I have been over indulgent in regards to material things.

The reason I'm talking about this is because Kasia seems to be very good at going to the store and not whining about not having something bought for her. I'm not entirely sure on how long this will last but for now its great. The thing is, she doesn't even seem to have much affection for her toys. She has never really had a favourite teddy or anything and she just doesn't seem to care about 'her' things. She does however get very passionate over her clothing, man I'm in trouble!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wonder if we have a materialistic mentality from birth, is it innate? Or do we foster our own view of materialism over a life of have or have not. Do I crave certain things because I never had them as a child or do I simply want them for the sake of wanting them. I'm curious as to how Kasia will turn out, Hilery is very non-materialistic and focuses on experiences as apposed to a collection of objects, plus she also holds academic education as a priority. I on the other hand am forever complaining that I want this or that, and as much as I respect education I wouldn't say I'm comfortable with holding it in such high esteem. So because Kasia has two alternate viewpoints from her parents will she be a blend or sway one way instead of another? It will definitely be interesting to find out and maybe (hopefully) she will be able to teach me a thing or two.

I have been told (many times) that I have a chip on my shoulder because I come from a working class background. As much as I hate the stigma, I think I do have a chip on my shoulder but not in the way most would think. My Dad was born and raised in council funded accommodation (the projects for the Americans!) but through an amazing amount of hard work and sacrifice I was raised outside of that environment. There is however just one catch. Could we really afford to live in the suburban environment? Probably not, and when I say 'afford' I mean all that comes with keeping up with all that was expected of that lifestyle. My parents took me on foreign holidays, we had cars and we always had plenty of food on the table. But at what cost? I see my life and I want to give Kasia opportunities I never had but I want her to appreciate those things! I guess I'm just scared that without being deprived in some way we may never appreciate that moment when/if we finally 'make it'.

As with everything in life I suppose I will find out soon enough. Maybe I will surprise myself and stop wanting. Will I cease to be an 'I wanna..must hava'? Probably not.......but at least I can try.

I thought that I may actually catch on fire.....

Today has been a good day. I'm a fan of these days, you know when you have a plan and you stick to it and all seems good with the world. The most amazing thing about today was that I went to church....but still had a good day!

Allow me to explain. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not a church goer. I choose not to attend church because, frankly, I am not a Christian. Now, in the part of the world that I live that makes me an 'Atheist' but I'm not an Atheist....I'm just happen to not be a Christian (and no other religion for that matter). I went to a church today because a writer who I enjoy immensely was speaking at a friends church. The writers name is Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz (and six other good books), and he was giving a talk/speech as part of his book tour. If you haven't read his books, he is a guy who struggles with organised anything let alone religion. His narrative is free flowing and very deep, he memoirs his thoughts and opinions beautifully and I enjoy reading them, even though sometimes I don't hold those same views.

He is an interesting man because he grew up without a father. Not an isolated case I realise but he articulates his feelings towards parenthood and more specifically the role of the father in a way that everybody should hear. He is asked many times if he had the choice would he choose to have a Dad, he says that he finds it hard to say yes. He says this because living the way he has, has allowed him to become who he is, if he changed anything he would inadvertently change his current self. He has realized that growing up without a father has opened his eyes to the plight of so many young kids out there who have a need for a positive male role model.

He now runs The Mentoring Project. A program designed to help kids without this male role model, it is based on the Big Brother Big Sister idea but there is room for more than one program of that sort and he aims to fill that void. Now, where Donald Miller and I differ is with the issue of faith. Its a confusing subject for me and one that I have no intentions of going into in this blog. But I'm talking about this because I was trying to imagine what life Kasia would have without me. I know that there are millions of good kids working towards a positive life that have little in the way of fatherly protection and guidance but how important are us Dads?

When I got home today I had every intention of writing a scathing piece about the church that I went to. The thing is I don't really want to, I don't want to offend my friend who regularly attends and I just don't want to ramble on about the cynicism I hold so close to my heart. But I will say this, it was my first experience of a 'mega-church'. Now for those of you that are not American, these things are crazy! Back in England we have no such institutions...I mean we have Cathedrals and beautiful architecture but the churches over here are of another world. I walked into the building to see and indoor play arena for the kids, a coffee shop (yes, they charge money for snacks and coffee!) and all around me people filtered into an auditorium. The thing was, that room that held about 500 people was just one of many 'rooms', the one I was going to go into was for kids! And not all kids, just the K-5th grade ones. The daycare center was the nicest I have ever seen anywhere....not only a church...better than a bloody theme park! Anyway, after asking directions (yep, directions) my friend and I (another friend who does not attend this church) made our way to a different building to see the service....this place was huge! It was its own building that held thousands, I was absolutely shocked and amazed.

I also realise that this wasn't a particularly big 'mega-church', there are some that have 80,000 plus in attendance every Sunday! But for me it was just another example of why I am not a Christian in the modern sense. I cannot align myself with such blatant consumerist religion. I will say though, each to there own, and the work that the establishment does in the community and in numerous charities is commendable but it is clearly not for me. Even as nice as the daycare seems to be, I just cannot see me taking Kasia to a church of that size and lets be honest...its just a miracle I didn't burst into flames on the spot.....

Being a Dad is something which for me changes everyday. After listening to Mr Miller today, I sort of realise that us Dads have a responsibility to be the child's mentor. Not just an ATM or a disciplinarian, but someone who they can look to for guidance and just a shoulder to cry on...maybe even as a scapegoat for misplaced aggression. All these things that Dads can be, its just a shame that so many 'men' choose to neglect these responsibilities. I hope that I can help Kasia to become who she wants to be and not force her to adhere to some preconceived ideals that I may hold. I want to walk with her every step until one day shes ready to run all on her own.

Patriotism....a dirty word????

Is it possible? Is it wrong to be proud of ones heritage and to adorn a building with the national flag, is this somehow a sign of racial intimidation....is it possible?

Well I guess it is. I left my country of birth about six years ago to start a new life with my American wife. At no point did I cease to be English, nor did I wish to forget where I was born and raised. Yet, I feel now that I am more patriotic to my homeland than ever before. Why? Simple, I live in a country where being proud of your nation and displaying that pride in bold and illustrious ways is an everyday occurrence. Whether it be fighter jet fly overs or just wearing a depiction of the stars and stripes, Americans are very, very patriotic on the whole. But the English are discouraged from such displays. Even our national flag, the St Georges Cross, is apparently a symbol of racial hatred. We, as a nation, do not even have our national day as a holiday.

Today this is important as it is St Georges Day. A day which was, until the 18th century, a day of feasting and general national celebration. It is argued that after the inclusion of Scotland and the overall 'creation' of the United Kingdom, interest in the national day wained. But today we have no 'official' celebration, no feasting and not even much waving of flags. All that my memory suggests is that children are told the story of George and the Dragon.

Its a little odd for me living in the US, mainly because most people are interested in where I come from and I guess in time Kasia will have to explain how and why she is half English. I want to always tell Kasia of her heritage in a positive way but it can be hard when the people of Britain are expected to accept 'new' cultures to the island but at the same time show little in the way of national pride. What am I to tell Kasia when we go to England and we are not allowed to wear England football shirts in pubs? How do I explain that the St Georges Cross is our flag but you will rarely see it displayed?

This subject reminds me of one of my favourite/hated conversations here in America. Having to try and explain the difference between: Great Britain, England, The United Kingdom, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. Its a confusing and somewhat entertaining discussion but it allows me to reiterate in my own mind what is so special about home.

Maybe Kasia won't be interested in her inherited culture, maybe she will or maybe she will be as confused by us (British people) as most Americans seem to be. We share a language but our cultures are vastly different...just look at the way we treat national pride! It's a funny old game.....